My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

There is no quick fix-all procedure to heal your insecurities. Like any relationship, the relationship with yourself must be built and re-built one kind, loving conversation at a time.

Everyone takes part in the mosque for one reason

Who would I be without God's daily guidance and protection? Absolutely a lost soul. That being said, in God I will forever trust.

Just your being here justifies that what I feel for you is strong enough to endure anything.

The other important thing to understand is that as humans we see only a segment of reality in the greater cosmic scheme of things, so we are really never in a position to judge anyone or anything.

Marriage: a job. Happiness or unhappiness has nothing to do with it.

The passion of love is essentially selfish, while motherhood widens the circle of our feelings.

Only three things are necessary to make life happy: the blessing of God, books , and a friend.

If we ever do find a better system, I'll be happy to call myself an anti-capitalist.

If you are worrying about tomorrow, you can't possibly enjoy today. Think about it: you can't really give God tomorrow; you can give him only what you have, and today is all you have.