I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

A broken thing can't fix itself.

I owe much to my friends; but, all things considered, it strikes me that I owe even more to my enemies. The real person springs life under a sting even better than under a caress.

It's very important to take tennis to the people. For young people, they get to see the best in the world.

I think people are always looking for a good comedy.

Take steps each day to be sure your life expresses commitment to Jesus.

Kings and queens might do wicked things, but they don't nag. One thing I like about Bloody Mary: she never said a word about lung cancer.

One of the main causes of our artistic decline lies beyond doubt in the separation of art and science.

We are not endeavoring to get ahead of others, but to surpass ourselves.

One of the basic conditions for the victory of socialism is the arming of the workers Communist and the disarming of the bourgeoisie the middle class.

If you look to others you will be distracted; if you look to yourselves you will be discouraged; but if you look to Christ you'll be delighted.