My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

Philosophy is the music of a judgmental mind and imaginative heart.

How would your life be different if your religion was love, and your spirituality was governed by kindness? How would the world be different if everyone did this?

I know what you're doing, though.""I'm glad somebody knows what I'm about, because I seem to have lost my own grasp of it entirely.

The whole thing about my books and my life is that I create drama's always around me.

America is less safe today than it was the day that Barack Obama became President of the United States. It's absolutely inarguable.

You look for one thing and you find another.

Anybody can find infinite Mandelbrot figures in his navel.

The God of religion exists only in our minds. The real God exists but we can never comprehend him in our minds

Donald Trump does not understand the UK and what happens in the UK.

When I read a book I seem to read it with my eyes only, but now and then I come across a passage, perhaps only a phrase, which has a meaning for me, and it becomes part of me.