I do think I am funny, or I wouldn't be where I am today. I do think there is always room for improvement and learning.

I can smell bullshit from a mile away but it's so much harder to detect when it's around you all day.

I'm a late-night guy.

I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny.

I don't laugh out loud at comics a lot.

Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.

Losing my mind sounds so pessimistic. I prefer the term winning my insanity.

When people refer to 'Back in the Day,' it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you.

I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up.

I don't write any of my material down. I like to improvise and be spontaneous.

Trolls look for reasons to hate but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever.

Your prayers will certainly be answered. Everyone who asks receives.

Everything and everyone represents at least one brand. Therefore, to brand or not to brand is not even a question.

A politician divides mankind into two classes: tools and enemies.

Accidents happen all the time.

Business is full of complexities. That's what makes it so interesting. Anyone who thinks it's boring hasn't given it much thought.

Looking into blood doping. I think it will allow me to write jokes with greater intensity, and for a longer period of time.

They should make new ways to better design buildings and books. The computer was the end of Swiss typography!

Every generation welcomes the pirates from the last.

Better to get up late and be wide awake then, than to get up early and be asleep all day.

There is no one that God does not love with all that he is. His love reaches beyond every sin and failure, hoping that at some moment they will come to know just how loved they are.