I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up.

I can smell bullshit from a mile away but it's so much harder to detect when it's around you all day.

I'm a late-night guy.

I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny.

I don't laugh out loud at comics a lot.

Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.

Losing my mind sounds so pessimistic. I prefer the term winning my insanity.

When people refer to 'Back in the Day,' it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you.

I don't write any of my material down. I like to improvise and be spontaneous.

Trolls look for reasons to hate but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever.

In school I was pretty quiet. Kinda shy until my junior year. But at home I was a freak.

Man must at all costs overcome the Earth's gravity and have, in reserve, the space at least of the Solar System.

It's rare in life to look at all the people around you and realize that they're all invested in what you're doing.

So he was opening night... I was out of a job, and I'd been to every producer in Hollywood trying to get a job singing. But nobody wanted to know me.

It is difficult to get rid of people when you once have given them too much pleasure.

I want to roll my eyes right now, but the doctor says that if I keep doing it, my ocular muscles might spasm and eject my eyeballs.

Kind of the bottom line for me, I don't think people come to the church where I preach to hear my view on politics.

We're all not quite as sane as we pretend to be.

In their seeking, wisdom and madness are one and the same. On the path of love, friend and stranger are one and the same.

I'd like to see the fairways more narrow. Then everybody would have to play from the rough, not just me.

While I was waiting...I ate your lunch.