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Dane Cook Quotes

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Dane Cook Quotes: "I'm a late-night guy."

I'm a late-night guy.




Dane Cook Quotes: "I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny."

I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny.




Dane Cook Quotes: "I don't laugh out loud at comics a lot."

I don't laugh out loud at comics a lot.



Dane Cook Quotes: "Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time."

Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.




Dane Cook Quotes: "Losing my mind sounds so pessimistic. I prefer the term winning my insanity."

Losing my mind sounds so pessimistic. I prefer the term winning my insanity.



Dane Cook Quotes: "When people refer to 'Back in the Day,' it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you."

When people refer to 'Back in the Day,' it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you.



Dane Cook Quotes: "I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up."

I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up.




Dane Cook Quotes: "I don't write any of my material down. I like to improvise and be spontaneous."

I don't write any of my material down. I like to improvise and be spontaneous.



Dane Cook Quotes: "Trolls look for reasons to hate but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever."

Trolls look for reasons to hate but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever.



Dane Cook Quotes: "In school I was pretty quiet. Kinda shy until my junior year. But at home I was a freak."

In school I was pretty quiet. Kinda shy until my junior year. But at home I was a freak.



Dane Cook Quotes: "I have never even had a sip of alcohol, never have done drugs. The hardest thing I have ever done would be Pepsi."

I have never even had a sip of alcohol, never have done drugs. The hardest thing I have ever done would be Pepsi.



Dane Cook Quotes: "Some people have constipation of the brain but their mouth has the runs."

Some people have constipation of the brain but their mouth has the runs.




Dane Cook Quotes: "When you see somebody walking down the street wearing a Superman t-shirt, you just want to shoot them in the chest ... when they start to bleed go, I guess not"

When you see somebody walking down the street wearing a Superman t-shirt, you just want to shoot them in the chest ... when they start to bleed go, I guess not



Dane Cook Quotes: "Valentine's Day is a time to celebrate the joy of being in love. Unless you're single & lonely then it's called Laundry Day."

Valentine's Day is a time to celebrate the joy of being in love. Unless you're single & lonely then it's called Laundry Day.



Dane Cook Quotes: "I don't like littering and I think it leads to terrorist activities."

I don't like littering and I think it leads to terrorist activities.



Dane Cook Quotes: "I am an observer, I like to watch people. I am into psychology and people - how they act and such."

I am an observer, I like to watch people. I am into psychology and people - how they act and such.



Dane Cook Quotes: "I think beating someone to death with a ukulele would just sound funny."

I think beating someone to death with a ukulele would just sound funny.



Dane Cook Quotes: "When you're not in love, when you don't have love, everybody you know falls in love."

When you're not in love, when you don't have love, everybody you know falls in love.



Dane Cook Quotes: "The little boy inside of all us men always loves something video game related."

The little boy inside of all us men always loves something video game related.



Dane Cook Quotes: "I like fearless characters, people just not afraid to do anything it takes to make people laugh."

I like fearless characters, people just not afraid to do anything it takes to make people laugh.



Dane Cook Quotes: "It's amazing how dumb people can impress you with how much stupider they can be when they really assert themselves."

It's amazing how dumb people can impress you with how much stupider they can be when they really assert themselves.



Dane Cook Quotes: "Video games don't make people go nuts. I played Super Mario forever. Not once hopping on a turtle or smash my head through a brick ceiling."

Video games don't make people go nuts. I played Super Mario forever. Not once hopping on a turtle or smash my head through a brick ceiling.



Dane Cook Quotes: "You are the director of your own life story. Don't cast idiots or people will walk out during your 2nd act."

You are the director of your own life story. Don't cast idiots or people will walk out during your 2nd act.



Dane Cook Quotes: "I never leave a dog alone in a car on a hot day. I make sure it's with an elderly person holding a baby."

I never leave a dog alone in a car on a hot day. I make sure it's with an elderly person holding a baby.



Dane Cook Quotes: "What am I supposed to say to an atheist when he sneezes, ah, when you die nothing happens."

What am I supposed to say to an atheist when he sneezes, ah, when you die nothing happens.



Dane Cook Quotes: "Strip clubs are great places to meet interesting people you only wanna know for about 40 minutes."

Strip clubs are great places to meet interesting people you only wanna know for about 40 minutes.



Dane Cook Quotes: "I like to play guitar, jam out, play the blues, go watch movies. I love movies."

I like to play guitar, jam out, play the blues, go watch movies. I love movies.



Dane Cook Quotes: "Listening to Evanescence makes me want to break up with a girl in real time as a giant antique hourglass falls to the floor in slow motion."

Listening to Evanescence makes me want to break up with a girl in real time as a giant antique hourglass falls to the floor in slow motion.



Dane Cook Quotes: "I was doing comedy in laundry mats in 1992, literally where I would bring a little gorilla amp and a lapel mike and just start performing."

I was doing comedy in laundry mats in 1992, literally where I would bring a little gorilla amp and a lapel mike and just start performing.



Dane Cook Quotes: "You must accept responsibility for your actions. This doesn't include reactions, interactions or transactions if you're thinkin' loophole."

You must accept responsibility for your actions. This doesn't include reactions, interactions or transactions if you're thinkin' loophole.



Dane Cook Quotes: "Sometimes girls act all TNT Network because they know drama. That's when guys get all TBS around you because we think it's very funny."

Sometimes girls act all TNT Network because they know drama. That's when guys get all TBS around you because we think it's very funny.



Dane Cook Quotes: "If you use tact you can say anything, then make it funny."

If you use tact you can say anything, then make it funny.



Dane Cook Quotes: "Dear semi hot girl taking photos on a boat. It's not your boat so stop acting like you own it. You drive a used Civic."

Dear semi hot girl taking photos on a boat. It's not your boat so stop acting like you own it. You drive a used Civic.



Dane Cook Quotes: "I love singing along to the radio while I'm riding in the back of a squad car."

I love singing along to the radio while I'm riding in the back of a squad car.



Dane Cook Quotes: "It's the worst feeling when you come home alone late at night and think the stranger sitting on your couch is a pile of clothes."

It's the worst feeling when you come home alone late at night and think the stranger sitting on your couch is a pile of clothes.



Dane Cook Quotes: "Some girls look beautiful with no makeup on at all. I call them lazy. Now go throw some war paint on you bleak empty canvas you."

Some girls look beautiful with no makeup on at all. I call them lazy. Now go throw some war paint on you bleak empty canvas you.



Dane Cook Quotes: "I'm shooting a pilot based on my show. It's a one-camera show. I play myself."

I'm shooting a pilot based on my show. It's a one-camera show. I play myself.



Dane Cook Quotes: "Sometimes, when you want to make a difference in a person's life, stay out of it."

Sometimes, when you want to make a difference in a person's life, stay out of it.



Dane Cook Quotes: "I've been ignoring my feelings lately. That works pretty well. Might also settle for less this week, just to try it out."

I've been ignoring my feelings lately. That works pretty well. Might also settle for less this week, just to try it out.



Dane Cook Quotes: "If you have to be at work at 8, it's always like, 7:54. Just enough time to do nothing. To just lay there and go, "I can't do anything! I can't even have an English muffin!"

If you have to be at work at 8, it's always like, 7:54. Just enough time to do nothing. To just lay there and go, "I can't do anything! I can't even have an English muffin!



Dane Cook Quotes: "You have to learn the crowd. I just pay attention to them so I can make sure I can make them laugh."

You have to learn the crowd. I just pay attention to them so I can make sure I can make them laugh.



Dane Cook Quotes: "Christina can sing all the notes, but Britney is just hot!"

Christina can sing all the notes, but Britney is just hot!



Dane Cook Quotes: "I don't know if I could kill someone with a frozen turkey because that is a lot of evidence to eat .... unless I found a whole room of people who also wanted that person dead."

I don't know if I could kill someone with a frozen turkey because that is a lot of evidence to eat .... unless I found a whole room of people who also wanted that person dead.



Dane Cook Quotes: "You can try to steal the thunder all you want, it just reminds people I'm the lightning. You rumble in the distance. I light up the sky."

You can try to steal the thunder all you want, it just reminds people I'm the lightning. You rumble in the distance. I light up the sky.



Dane Cook Quotes: "We all hope for breakthrough rebirth moments. When you're headed for a breakthrough moment, it's kind of scary because you say, 'If I break through then I have to make great change in my life.'"

We all hope for breakthrough rebirth moments. When you're headed for a breakthrough moment, it's kind of scary because you say, 'If I break through then I have to make great change in my life.'



Dane Cook Quotes: "When a guy says "I have no idea what you're talking about" it means "I'm thinking of exactly what you're saying I did while I lie to you.""

When a guy says "I have no idea what you're talking about" it means "I'm thinking of exactly what you're saying I did while I lie to you."



Dane Cook Quotes: "It's an incredible feeling falling in love someone who doesn't know you exist."

It's an incredible feeling falling in love someone who doesn't know you exist.



Dane Cook Quotes: "Created a word game to play with a person you're fighting with. Silent Treatment. Nothing happens until one of you quietly says, Hey, you hungry?"

Created a word game to play with a person you're fighting with. Silent Treatment. Nothing happens until one of you quietly says, Hey, you hungry?



Dane Cook Quotes: "Text a guy you like right now, "I'm thinking about you." If he says, "mmm are you in bed?" Never speak to him again he's a lifelong moron."

Text a guy you like right now, "I'm thinking about you." If he says, "mmm are you in bed?" Never speak to him again he's a lifelong moron.