Dane Cook Quotes

I can smell bullshit from a mile away but it's so much harder to detect when it's around you all day.

I'm a late-night guy.

I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny.

I don't laugh out loud at comics a lot.

Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.

Losing my mind sounds so pessimistic. I prefer the term winning my insanity.

When people refer to 'Back in the Day,' it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you.

I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up.

I don't write any of my material down. I like to improvise and be spontaneous.

Trolls look for reasons to hate but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever.

In school I was pretty quiet. Kinda shy until my junior year. But at home I was a freak.

I have never even had a sip of alcohol, never have done drugs. The hardest thing I have ever done would be Pepsi.

Some people have constipation of the brain but their mouth has the runs.

When you see somebody walking down the street wearing a Superman t-shirt, you just want to shoot them in the chest ... when they start to bleed go, I guess not

I don't like littering and I think it leads to terrorist activities.

Valentine's Day is a time to celebrate the joy of being in love. Unless you're single & lonely then it's called Laundry Day.

I am an observer, I like to watch people. I am into psychology and people - how they act and such.

It's amazing how dumb people can impress you with how much stupider they can be when they really assert themselves.

I like fearless characters, people just not afraid to do anything it takes to make people laugh.

The little boy inside of all us men always loves something video game related.

I think beating someone to death with a ukulele would just sound funny.

When you're not in love, when you don't have love, everybody you know falls in love.

What am I supposed to say to an atheist when he sneezes, ah, when you die nothing happens.

I never leave a dog alone in a car on a hot day. I make sure it's with an elderly person holding a baby.

You are the director of your own life story. Don't cast idiots or people will walk out during your 2nd act.

Video games don't make people go nuts. I played Super Mario forever. Not once hopping on a turtle or smash my head through a brick ceiling.

You must accept responsibility for your actions. This doesn't include reactions, interactions or transactions if you're thinkin' loophole.

Listening to Evanescence makes me want to break up with a girl in real time as a giant antique hourglass falls to the floor in slow motion.

I was doing comedy in laundry mats in 1992, literally where I would bring a little gorilla amp and a lapel mike and just start performing.

I like to play guitar, jam out, play the blues, go watch movies. I love movies.

Strip clubs are great places to meet interesting people you only wanna know for about 40 minutes.

Sometimes girls act all TNT Network because they know drama. That's when guys get all TBS around you because we think it's very funny.

Dear semi hot girl taking photos on a boat. It's not your boat so stop acting like you own it. You drive a used Civic.

Some girls look beautiful with no makeup on at all. I call them lazy. Now go throw some war paint on you bleak empty canvas you.

If you use tact you can say anything, then make it funny.

I love singing along to the radio while I'm riding in the back of a squad car.

It's the worst feeling when you come home alone late at night and think the stranger sitting on your couch is a pile of clothes.

When a guy says "I have no idea what you're talking about" it means "I'm thinking of exactly what you're saying I did while I lie to you."

It's an incredible feeling falling in love someone who doesn't know you exist.

If you have to be at work at 8, it's always like, 7:54. Just enough time to do nothing. To just lay there and go, "I can't do anything! I can't even have an English muffin!

Text a guy you like right now, "I'm thinking about you." If he says, "mmm are you in bed?" Never speak to him again he's a lifelong moron.

Created a word game to play with a person you're fighting with. Silent Treatment. Nothing happens until one of you quietly says, Hey, you hungry?

I've been ignoring my feelings lately. That works pretty well. Might also settle for less this week, just to try it out.

I don't know if I could kill someone with a frozen turkey because that is a lot of evidence to eat .... unless I found a whole room of people who also wanted that person dead.

Sometimes, when you want to make a difference in a person's life, stay out of it.

Christina can sing all the notes, but Britney is just hot!

You can try to steal the thunder all you want, it just reminds people I'm the lightning. You rumble in the distance. I light up the sky.

I'm shooting a pilot based on my show. It's a one-camera show. I play myself.

You have to learn the crowd. I just pay attention to them so I can make sure I can make them laugh.

We all hope for breakthrough rebirth moments. When you're headed for a breakthrough moment, it's kind of scary because you say, 'If I break through then I have to make great change in my life.'