I don't laugh out loud at comics a lot.

I can smell bullshit from a mile away but it's so much harder to detect when it's around you all day.

I'm a late-night guy.

I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny.

Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.

Losing my mind sounds so pessimistic. I prefer the term winning my insanity.

When people refer to 'Back in the Day,' it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you.

I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up.

I don't write any of my material down. I like to improvise and be spontaneous.

Trolls look for reasons to hate but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever.

In school I was pretty quiet. Kinda shy until my junior year. But at home I was a freak.

Man is adept at navigating the globe and beyond - yet doubt finding his own destiny

America should care more for its poor and reform itself in other ways but even if it won't do those things it remains the least constrained society on earth.

If we abandon marriage, we abandon the family.

We commit not only theoretical error but also moral wrong in objectifying ourselves or other rational beings, ignoring their capacities for free action and communicative interaction with us.

Cynthia's lyrics always expressed the feelings people felt but they couldn't express themselves.

Energy moves in waves. Waves move in patterns. Patterns move in rhythms. A human being is just that energy, waves, patterns, rhythms. Nothing more. Nothing less. A dance.

It made me strong.I took a step back, near my whole self in the mirror.I pushed back my shoulders and raised my chin, my back straight as an arrow.

Every obstacle yields to stern resolve.

For me one of the most important things is not feeling like you have to protect yourself if you're with a real friend.

There were no gifts. Everything is properly accounted for. I provided testimony and evidence to the committee... This was all stuff that was previously known.