Comedy Quotes

Comedy Quote of the day

A Penny Saved is a Penny Earned.

The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.

Never trust people who smile constantly. They're either selling something or not very bright.

I just don't believe in helping people who are going to torture me. Though I don't see any bamboo slivers. How can you possibly torture someone without bamboo slivers?

Zebrowski says that if you killed someone else just hide the body, he's not starting over on the paperwork.

You can't kill us all, human.' He was right. I raised the machine gun a little. 'True, but who's going to be first in line?

One thing I've learned about vampires--they keep pulling new rabbits out of their cloaks. Big, fanged, carnivorous bunnies that'll eat your eyeballs if you're not paying attention.

As it stands right now, I lead Richard Pryor in heart attacks, two to one. However, Richard still leads me, one to nothing, in burning yourself up.

If the shoe fits, buy another one just like it.

I spilled spot remover on my dog now he's gone.

Have you ever come across something you couldn't explain?""Explain in what way? I could explain a ghost by saying, 'yes, that's a ghost.' I take it, that's not what you mean.

Have you ever come across something you couldn't explain?""Explain in what way? I could explain a ghost by saying, 'yes, that's a ghost.' I take it that's not what you mean.

Applaud my friends, the comedy is over...[on his death bed]

And off we go, out onto the highway looking for a little fun. Perhaps a flatbed truck loaded with human cadavers will explode in front of a Star Trek reunion. One can only dream and hope.

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

If a woman cannot make her mistakes charming, she is only a female.

Fifteen men on the Dead Man's Chest Yo-ho-ho, and a bottle of rum! Drink and the devil had done for the rest Yo-ho-ho, and a bottle of rum!

I'm not a person who thinks they can have it all, but I certainly feel that with a bit of effort and guile I should be able to have more than my fair share.

If you tell the truth about how you're feeling, it becomes funny.

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year.I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.

All I know is just what I read in the papers, and that's an alibi for my ignorance.

Unless philosophy can make a Juliet, Displant a town, reverse a prince’s doom, It helps not, it prevails not.

This must be Thursday. I never could get the hang of Thursdays

Ford Prefect suppressed a little giggle of evil satisfaction, realized that he had no reason to suppress it, and laughed out loud, a wicked laugh.

The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.

Mother, you have my father much offended.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

Mr. Right is coming, but he's in Africa and he's walking.

It's all life is. Just going 'round kissing people.

You're never too old, too wacky, too wild, to pick up a book and read to a child.

If I knew for a certainty that a man was coming to my house with the conscious design of doing me good, I should run for my life.

Life is a tragedy when seen in close-up, but a comedy in long-shot.

I will make thee think thy swan a crow.

The coldest depth of Hell is reserved for people who abandon kittens.

As soon as you have made a thought, laugh at it.

I frequently observe that one pretty face would be followed by five and thirty frights.

There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.

The sun, with all those planets revolving around it and dependent on it, can still ripen a bunch of grapes as if it had nothing else in the universe to do.

But you see, a rich country like America can perhaps afford to be stupid.

Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy.

Death doesn't really worry me that much, I'm not frightened about it... I just don't want to be there when it happens.

If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know?

Your name. That’s all I want.” I debate on whether or not I should explain to him that my name isn't going to help him in his stalking endeavours.

This suspense is terrible. I hope it will last.

There have been two great narcotics in European civilisation: Christianity and alcohol.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Yes, I kidnapped that Lindberg baby.