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Comedy Quotes

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Comedy Quotes: "The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once."

The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.




Comedy Quotes: "People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day."

People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.



Comedy Quotes: "Never trust people who smile constantly. They're either selling something or not very bright."

Never trust people who smile constantly. They're either selling something or not very bright.



Comedy Quotes: "I just don't believe in helping people who are going to torture me. Though I don't see any bamboo slivers. How can you possibly torture someone without bamboo slivers?"

I just don't believe in helping people who are going to torture me. Though I don't see any bamboo slivers. How can you possibly torture someone without bamboo slivers?




Comedy Quotes: "Zebrowski says that if you killed someone else just hide the body, he's not starting over on the paperwork."

Zebrowski says that if you killed someone else just hide the body, he's not starting over on the paperwork.



Comedy Quotes: "You can't kill us all, human.' He was right. I raised the machine gun a little. 'True, but who's going to be first in line?"

You can't kill us all, human.' He was right. I raised the machine gun a little. 'True, but who's going to be first in line?



Comedy Quotes: "One thing I've learned about vampires--they keep pulling new rabbits out of their cloaks. Big, fanged, carnivorous bunnies that'll eat your eyeballs if you're not paying attention."

One thing I've learned about vampires--they keep pulling new rabbits out of their cloaks. Big, fanged, carnivorous bunnies that'll eat your eyeballs if you're not paying attention.




Comedy Quotes: "As it stands right now, I lead Richard Pryor in heart attacks, two to one. However, Richard still leads me, one to nothing, in burning yourself up."

As it stands right now, I lead Richard Pryor in heart attacks, two to one. However, Richard still leads me, one to nothing, in burning yourself up.



Comedy Quotes: "If the shoe fits, buy another one just like it."

If the shoe fits, buy another one just like it.



Comedy Quotes: "I spilled spot remover on my dog now he's gone."

I spilled spot remover on my dog now he's gone.



Comedy Quotes: "Have you ever come across something you couldn't explain?""Explain in what way? I could explain a ghost by saying, 'yes, that's a ghost.' I take it, that's not what you mean."

Have you ever come across something you couldn't explain?""Explain in what way? I could explain a ghost by saying, 'yes, that's a ghost.' I take it, that's not what you mean.



Comedy Quotes: "Have you ever come across something you couldn't explain?""Explain in what way? I could explain a ghost by saying, 'yes, that's a ghost.' I take it that's not what you mean."

Have you ever come across something you couldn't explain?""Explain in what way? I could explain a ghost by saying, 'yes, that's a ghost.' I take it that's not what you mean.




Comedy Quotes: "Applaud my friends, the comedy is over...[on his death bed]"

Applaud my friends, the comedy is over...[on his death bed]



Comedy Quotes: "And off we go, out onto the highway looking for a little fun. Perhaps a flatbed truck loaded with human cadavers will explode in front of a Star Trek reunion. One can only dream and hope."

And off we go, out onto the highway looking for a little fun. Perhaps a flatbed truck loaded with human cadavers will explode in front of a Star Trek reunion. One can only dream and hope.



Comedy Quotes: "If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?"

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?



Comedy Quotes: "If a woman cannot make her mistakes charming, she is only a female."

If a woman cannot make her mistakes charming, she is only a female.



Comedy Quotes: "Fifteen men on the Dead Man's Chest Yo-ho-ho, and a bottle of rum! Drink and the devil had done for the rest Yo-ho-ho, and a bottle of rum!"

Fifteen men on the Dead Man's Chest Yo-ho-ho, and a bottle of rum! Drink and the devil had done for the rest Yo-ho-ho, and a bottle of rum!



Comedy Quotes: "I'm not a person who thinks they can have it all, but I certainly feel that with a bit of effort and guile I should be able to have more than my fair share."

I'm not a person who thinks they can have it all, but I certainly feel that with a bit of effort and guile I should be able to have more than my fair share.



Comedy Quotes: "If you tell the truth about how you're feeling, it becomes funny."

If you tell the truth about how you're feeling, it becomes funny.



Comedy Quotes: "When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year.I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety."

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year.I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.



Comedy Quotes: "All I know is just what I read in the papers, and that's an alibi for my ignorance."

All I know is just what I read in the papers, and that's an alibi for my ignorance.



Comedy Quotes: "Unless philosophy can make a Juliet, Displant a town, reverse a prince’s doom, It helps not, it prevails not."

Unless philosophy can make a Juliet, Displant a town, reverse a prince’s doom, It helps not, it prevails not.



Comedy Quotes: "This must be Thursday. I never could get the hang of Thursdays"

This must be Thursday. I never could get the hang of Thursdays



Comedy Quotes: "Ford Prefect suppressed a little giggle of evil satisfaction, realized that he had no reason to suppress it, and laughed out loud, a wicked laugh."

Ford Prefect suppressed a little giggle of evil satisfaction, realized that he had no reason to suppress it, and laughed out loud, a wicked laugh.



Comedy Quotes: "The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think."

The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.



Comedy Quotes: "Mother, you have my father much offended."

Mother, you have my father much offended.



Comedy Quotes: "That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it."

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.



Comedy Quotes: "Mr. Right is coming, but he's in Africa and he's walking."

Mr. Right is coming, but he's in Africa and he's walking.



Comedy Quotes: "It's all life is. Just going 'round kissing people."

It's all life is. Just going 'round kissing people.



Comedy Quotes: "You're never too old, too wacky, too wild, to pick up a book and read to a child."

You're never too old, too wacky, too wild, to pick up a book and read to a child.



Comedy Quotes: "If I knew for a certainty that a man was coming to my house with the conscious design of doing me good, I should run for my life."

If I knew for a certainty that a man was coming to my house with the conscious design of doing me good, I should run for my life.



Comedy Quotes: "Life is a tragedy when seen in close-up, but a comedy in long-shot."

Life is a tragedy when seen in close-up, but a comedy in long-shot.



Comedy Quotes: "I will make thee think thy swan a crow."

I will make thee think thy swan a crow.



Comedy Quotes: "The coldest depth of Hell is reserved for people who abandon kittens."

The coldest depth of Hell is reserved for people who abandon kittens.



Comedy Quotes: "As soon as you have made a thought, laugh at it."

As soon as you have made a thought, laugh at it.



Comedy Quotes: "I frequently observe that one pretty face would be followed by five and thirty frights."

I frequently observe that one pretty face would be followed by five and thirty frights.



Comedy Quotes: "There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt."

There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.



Comedy Quotes: "Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight."

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.



Comedy Quotes: "Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy."

Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.



Comedy Quotes: "The sun, with all those planets revolving around it and dependent on it, can still ripen a bunch of grapes as if it had nothing else in the universe to do."

The sun, with all those planets revolving around it and dependent on it, can still ripen a bunch of grapes as if it had nothing else in the universe to do.



Comedy Quotes: "But you see, a rich country like America can perhaps afford to be stupid."

But you see, a rich country like America can perhaps afford to be stupid.



Comedy Quotes: "Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy."

Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy.



Comedy Quotes: "Death doesn't really worry me that much, I'm not frightened about it... I just don't want to be there when it happens."

Death doesn't really worry me that much, I'm not frightened about it... I just don't want to be there when it happens.



Comedy Quotes: "If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know?"

If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know?



Comedy Quotes: "Your name. That’s all I want.” I debate on whether or not I should explain to him that my name isn't going to help him in his stalking endeavours."

Your name. That’s all I want.” I debate on whether or not I should explain to him that my name isn't going to help him in his stalking endeavours.



Comedy Quotes: "This suspense is terrible. I hope it will last."

This suspense is terrible. I hope it will last.



Comedy Quotes: "There have been two great narcotics in European civilisation: Christianity and alcohol."

There have been two great narcotics in European civilisation: Christianity and alcohol.



Comedy Quotes: "Never miss a good chance to shut up."

Never miss a good chance to shut up.



Comedy Quotes: "Yes, I kidnapped that Lindberg baby."

Yes, I kidnapped that Lindberg baby.