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Comedy Quotes

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Comedy Quotes: "The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once."

The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.



Comedy Quotes: "People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day."

People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.




Comedy Quotes: "Religion is like a blind man looking in a black room for a black cat that isn't there, and finding it."

Religion is like a blind man looking in a black room for a black cat that isn't there, and finding it.



Comedy Quotes: "You can't have everything. Where would you put it?"

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?




Comedy Quotes: "The sun, with all those planets revolving around it and dependent on it, can still ripen a bunch of grapes as if it had nothing else in the universe to do."

The sun, with all those planets revolving around it and dependent on it, can still ripen a bunch of grapes as if it had nothing else in the universe to do.



Comedy Quotes: "People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do."

People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.



Comedy Quotes: "When I sell liquor, it's bootlegging. When my patrons serve it on a silver tray on Lakeshore Drive, it's hospitality."

When I sell liquor, it's bootlegging. When my patrons serve it on a silver tray on Lakeshore Drive, it's hospitality.




Comedy Quotes: "Isn't it funny how day by day nothing changes, but when you look back, everything is different."

Isn't it funny how day by day nothing changes, but when you look back, everything is different.



Comedy Quotes: "A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on."

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.



Comedy Quotes: "Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy."

Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.



Comedy Quotes: "I have to be seen to be believed."

I have to be seen to be believed.



Comedy Quotes: "If the physical thing you're doing is funny, you don't have to act funny while doing it...Just be real and it will be funnier"

If the physical thing you're doing is funny, you don't have to act funny while doing it...Just be real and it will be funnier




Comedy Quotes: "That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it."

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.



Comedy Quotes: "To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone."

To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone.



Comedy Quotes: "There is nothing more awful, insulting, and depressing than banality."

There is nothing more awful, insulting, and depressing than banality.



Comedy Quotes: "A real girl isn't perfect and a perfect girl isn't real."

A real girl isn't perfect and a perfect girl isn't real.



Comedy Quotes: "Isn't it funny how something that will later be a blessing can be a curse if you get it too soon."

Isn't it funny how something that will later be a blessing can be a curse if you get it too soon.



Comedy Quotes: "There was never yet an uninteresting life. Such a thing is an impossibility. Inside of the dullest exterior there is a drama, a comedy, and a tragedy."

There was never yet an uninteresting life. Such a thing is an impossibility. Inside of the dullest exterior there is a drama, a comedy, and a tragedy.



Comedy Quotes: "I'm funny on camera sometimes. In life, once in a while. Once in a while."

I'm funny on camera sometimes. In life, once in a while. Once in a while.



Comedy Quotes: "It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own ignorance."

It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own ignorance.



Comedy Quotes: "Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes."

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.



Comedy Quotes: "It's a funny thing about life; if you refuse to accept anything but the best, you very often get it."

It's a funny thing about life; if you refuse to accept anything but the best, you very often get it.



Comedy Quotes: "There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments."

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.



Comedy Quotes: "You can observe a lot by just watching."

You can observe a lot by just watching.



Comedy Quotes: "I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap."

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.



Comedy Quotes: "Check thyself before thy wreck thyself."

Check thyself before thy wreck thyself.



Comedy Quotes: "It will be funny in about 10 years."

It will be funny in about 10 years.



Comedy Quotes: "You should eat a waffle! You can't be sad if you eat a waffle!"

You should eat a waffle! You can't be sad if you eat a waffle!



Comedy Quotes: "Play your part in the comedy, but don't identify yourself with your role!"

Play your part in the comedy, but don't identify yourself with your role!



Comedy Quotes: "Everything is funny, as long as it's happening to somebody else."

Everything is funny, as long as it's happening to somebody else.



Comedy Quotes: "Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy."

Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy.



Comedy Quotes: "If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late."

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.



Comedy Quotes: "Cultivate your curves - they may be dangerous but they won't be avoided."

Cultivate your curves - they may be dangerous but they won't be avoided.



Comedy Quotes: "As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it."

As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.



Comedy Quotes: "Leave something for someone but dont leave someone for something."

Leave something for someone but dont leave someone for something.



Comedy Quotes: "You think you're funny! You think you're funny Cena, huh? The only pose you're going to be doing tonight is lying on your back with me on top!"

You think you're funny! You think you're funny Cena, huh? The only pose you're going to be doing tonight is lying on your back with me on top!



Comedy Quotes: "Haters keep on hating, cause somebody's gotta do it."

Haters keep on hating, cause somebody's gotta do it.



Comedy Quotes: "Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?"

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?



Comedy Quotes: "We owe to the Middle Ages the two worst inventions of humanity - romantic love and gunpowder."

We owe to the Middle Ages the two worst inventions of humanity - romantic love and gunpowder.



Comedy Quotes: "Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight."

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.



Comedy Quotes: "People know me. I'm not going to produce any cartwheels out there. I'm not going to belong on Comedy Central. I'll always be a tennis player, not a celebrity."

People know me. I'm not going to produce any cartwheels out there. I'm not going to belong on Comedy Central. I'll always be a tennis player, not a celebrity.



Comedy Quotes: "The human comedy is always tragic, but since its ingredients are always the same - dupe, fox, straight, like burlesque skits - the repetition through the ages is comedy."

The human comedy is always tragic, but since its ingredients are always the same - dupe, fox, straight, like burlesque skits - the repetition through the ages is comedy.



Comedy Quotes: "One of the funny things about the stock market is that every time one person buys, another sells, and both think they are astute."

One of the funny things about the stock market is that every time one person buys, another sells, and both think they are astute.



Comedy Quotes: "If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age."

If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age.



Comedy Quotes: "An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do."

An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do.



Comedy Quotes: "Tragedy is a close-up; comedy, a long shot."

Tragedy is a close-up; comedy, a long shot.



Comedy Quotes: "There are a hell of a lot of jobs that are scarier than live comedy. Like standing in the operating room when a guy's heart stops, and you're the one who has to fix it!"

There are a hell of a lot of jobs that are scarier than live comedy. Like standing in the operating room when a guy's heart stops, and you're the one who has to fix it!



Comedy Quotes: "...and the funny thing was that people who weren't entirely certain they were right always argued much louder than other people, as if the main person they were trying to convince were themselves."

...and the funny thing was that people who weren't entirely certain they were right always argued much louder than other people, as if the main person they were trying to convince were themselves.



Comedy Quotes: "Life is better than death, I believe, if only because it is less boring, and because it has fresh peaches in it."

Life is better than death, I believe, if only because it is less boring, and because it has fresh peaches in it.