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Comedy Quotes

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People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.

Comedy Quote of the day

People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.


         

As it stands right now, I lead Richard Pryor in heart attacks, two to one. However, Richard still leads me, one to nothing, in burning yourself up.

As it stands right now, I lead Richard Pryor in heart attacks, two to one. However, Richard still leads me, one to nothing, in burning yourself up.


         


If the shoe fits, buy another one just like it.

If the shoe fits, buy another one just like it.


         

I spilled spot remover on my dog now he's gone.

I spilled spot remover on my dog now he's gone.


         


You ought to sue that son of a whore

You ought to sue that son of a whore


         

Have you ever come across something you couldn't explain?""Explain in what way? I could explain a ghost by saying, 'yes, that's a ghost.' I take it, that's not what you mean.

Have you ever come across something you couldn't explain?""Explain in what way? I could explain a ghost by saying, 'yes, that's a ghost.' I take it, that's not what you mean.


         

Have you ever come across something you couldn't explain?""Explain in what way? I could explain a ghost by saying, 'yes, that's a ghost.' I take it that's not what you mean.

Have you ever come across something you couldn't explain?""Explain in what way? I could explain a ghost by saying, 'yes, that's a ghost.' I take it that's not what you mean.


         

Applaud my friends, the comedy is over...[on his death bed]

Applaud my friends, the comedy is over...[on his death bed]


         

And off we go, out onto the highway looking for a little fun. Perhaps a flatbed truck loaded with human cadavers will explode in front of a Star Trek reunion. One can only dream and hope.

And off we go, out onto the highway looking for a little fun. Perhaps a flatbed truck loaded with human cadavers will explode in front of a Star Trek reunion. One can only dream and hope.


         

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?


         

If a woman cannot make her mistakes charming, she is only a female.

If a woman cannot make her mistakes charming, she is only a female.


         


Fifteen men on the Dead Man's Chest Yo-ho-ho, and a bottle of rum! Drink and the devil had done for the rest Yo-ho-ho, and a bottle of rum!

Fifteen men on the Dead Man's Chest Yo-ho-ho, and a bottle of rum! Drink and the devil had done for the rest Yo-ho-ho, and a bottle of rum!


         

I'm not a person who thinks they can have it all, but I certainly feel that with a bit of effort and guile I should be able to have more than my fair share.

I'm not a person who thinks they can have it all, but I certainly feel that with a bit of effort and guile I should be able to have more than my fair share.


         

If you tell the truth about how you're feeling, it becomes funny.

If you tell the truth about how you're feeling, it becomes funny.


         

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year.I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year.I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.


         

All I know is just what I read in the papers, and that's an alibi for my ignorance.

All I know is just what I read in the papers, and that's an alibi for my ignorance.


         

Unless philosophy can make a Juliet, Displant a town, reverse a prince’s doom, It helps not, it prevails not.

Unless philosophy can make a Juliet, Displant a town, reverse a prince’s doom, It helps not, it prevails not.


         

This must be Thursday. I never could get the hang of Thursdays

This must be Thursday. I never could get the hang of Thursdays


         

What do you want? Where's the goddamn ice I ordered? Where's the booze? There's a war on, man! People are being killed!

What do you want? Where's the goddamn ice I ordered? Where's the booze? There's a war on, man! People are being killed!


         

I'll drink your champagne. I'll drink every drop of it, I don't care if it kills me.

I'll drink your champagne. I'll drink every drop of it, I don't care if it kills me.