Looking into blood doping. I think it will allow me to write jokes with greater intensity, and for a longer period of time.

If I do marry, I'll expect a pretty serious dowry. I'm talking goats, pigs, chickens, the works.

Life is what you make of it, unless you have tourette's, in which case much becomes involuntary.

If space suits looked less like marshmallows, I'd be more interested in going to the moon.

Cupcakes are the tattooed brunette chick of the baked goods world.

Love is a crocodile just above the water line waiting to attack the innocent herbivore of my freedom.

Met someone who works at the zoo. Apparently the panda is a nasty animal.

Happiness is a carnival game. It's never as easy as it looks, but the dumb ones always seem to be walking around with a big stuffed animal.

It's a wonder you don't see the zebra being trotted out as a metaphor for racial harmony more often.

Every time I see a happy couple I want to give them a polygraph.

Insecurity is like herpes. It's not going anywhere. May as well learn to laugh at it.

May God grant you your wishes.

Richard Schiff is a really good baseball player. It's surprising because he looks exhausted.

Weakness indicates dependence, and there is a degree of trust and tenderness also in it.

People Watch Luck Go by Them and They're Blind - They Never Reach out and Grab It.

My method is simple: not to bother about poetry. It must come of its own accord. Merely whispering its name drives it away.

I don't think there's any great mystery to writing female characters, so long as you talk to them. If you lived in a monastery and never met any women, maybe it would be difficult.

The market economy needs no apologists and propagandists. It can apply to itself the words of Sir Christopher Wren's epitaph in St. Paul's: 'If you seek his monument, look around.'

I just like doing standup, that's all I'm interested in or good at.

I'm loving the idea of having a baby

Effort is the key, but direction and loyalty are paramount.