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Funny Quote of the day
A Penny Saved is a Penny Earned.
The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.
Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love.
Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.
Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting the bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
I've never understood the point of ecstasy. I think if I wanted to get dehydrated and jump about with a load of people I've never met before I could go to a Methodist barn dance.
Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.
As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two.
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
Whoever drinks beer, he is quick to sleep; whoever sleeps long, does not sin; whoever does not sin, enters Heaven! Thus, let us drink beer!
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me . . they’re cramming for their final exam.
Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?... He's a mile away and you've got his shoes!
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.
If life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade. And try to find somebody who's life gives them vodka, and have a party.
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.
Religion is like a blind man looking in a black room for a black cat that isn't there, and finding it.
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
Invention, my dear friends, is 93% perspiration, 6% electricity, 4% evaporation, and 2% butterscotch ripple
The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
I was born to make mistakes, not to fake perfection
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.
Hating people is like burning down your own house to get rid of a rat.
Being broke is a joke, I never found it funny / That's why I count my blessings / As much as I count my money...
My grandfather once told me that there were two kinds of people: those who do the work and those who take the credit. He told me to try to be in the first group; there was much less competition.
Romance often begins by a splashing waterfall and ends over a leaky sink.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.
Worrying is like paying a debt you don't owe.
As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.
Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself.
Laughter is the fireworks of the soul.
To argue with a person who has renounced the use of reason is like administering medicine to the dead.
It is very simple to be happy, but it is very difficult to be simple.
Destiny may ride with us today, but there is no reason for it to interfere with lunch.
The duty of a patriot is to protect his country from its government.
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.
A little nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest men.This was said by gene wilder ... what does it mean ?
Both optimists and pessimists contribute to society. The optimist invents the aeroplane, the pessimist the parachute.
If exposure of body is modernism, then animals are more modern than humans.
The less Holy Spirit we have, the more cake and coffee we need to keep the church going.
I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the US Congress.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
I've noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born.
If you are not your own doctor, you are a fool.