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Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.
Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love.
If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?
If I knew for a certainty that a man was coming to my house with the conscious design of doing me good, I should run for my life.
Design is a funny word. Some people think design means how it looks. But of course, if you dig deeper, it's really how it works.
I gave a funny speech at my wife's birthday party, and I'm thinking, 'Hey, I've still got it.'
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
If you tell the truth about how you're feeling, it becomes funny.
When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.
Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.
Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
You're only as good as your last haircut.
No man has a good enough memory to be a successful liar.
If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
The reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated.
The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not 'Eureka!' but 'That's funny...'
I love fools' experiments. I am always making them.
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.