Funny Quotes

Funny Quote of the day

A Penny Saved is a Penny Earned.

The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love.

If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?

If I knew for a certainty that a man was coming to my house with the conscious design of doing me good, I should run for my life.

Design is a funny word. Some people think design means how it looks. But of course, if you dig deeper, it's really how it works.

I gave a funny speech at my wife's birthday party, and I'm thinking, 'Hey, I've still got it.'

People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

If you tell the truth about how you're feeling, it becomes funny.

When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.

Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

You're only as good as your last haircut.

No man has a good enough memory to be a successful liar.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

The reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated.

The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not 'Eureka!' but 'That's funny...'

I love fools' experiments. I am always making them.

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.

It's a funny old world.

I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.

From there to here, and here to there, funny things are everywhere.

Everything is funny, as long as it's happening to somebody else.

This suspense is terrible. I hope it will last.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

Intelligent life on other planets? I'm not even sure there is on earth!

I'm a damsel, I'm in distress, I can handle this. Have a nice day!

Your name. That’s all I want.” I debate on whether or not I should explain to him that my name isn't going to help him in his stalking endeavours.

Jim said he believed it was spirits, but I says: no, spirits wouldn't say "dern the dern fog".

I will live in thy heart, die in thy lap, and be buried in thyeyes—and moreover, I will go with thee to thy uncle’s.

The coldest depth of Hell is reserved for people who abandon kittens.

Don't believe everything you read on the Internet.

Two-thirds of all preachers, doctors and lawyers are hanging on to the coat tails of progress, shouting, whoa! while a good many of the rest are busy strewing banana peels along the line of march.

JACKYou're quite perfect, Miss Fairfax.GWENDOLENOh! I hope I am not that. It would leave no room for developments, and I intend to develop in many directions.

If a woman cannot make her mistakes charming, she is only a female.

Never miss a party...good for the nerves--like celery.

His was a great sin who first invented consciousness. Let us lose it for a few hours.

When the Attorney-General ceased, a buzz arose in the court as if a cloud of great blue-flies were swarming about the prisoner, in anticipation of what he was soon to become.

You're never too old, too wacky, too wild, to pick up a book and read to a child.

There have been two great narcotics in European civilisation: Christianity and alcohol.

Four young men in motorcycle jackets... set upon the man in khaki shorts and beat him unconscious with his own sandwich board.

This must be Thursday. I never could get the hang of Thursdays

Have you ever come across something you couldn't explain?""Explain in what way? I could explain a ghost by saying, 'yes, that's a ghost.' I take it that's not what you mean.

Have you ever come across something you couldn't explain?""Explain in what way? I could explain a ghost by saying, 'yes, that's a ghost.' I take it, that's not what you mean.

What we’ve got here is a lunatic genius ghost-in-the-computer monorail that likes riddles and goes faster than the speed of sound. Welcome to the fantasy version of One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest.

For the hackneyed art of lying without injury to anyone, Rushbrook, to his shame, was proficient.