The police stopped me when I was out in my car. They told me it was a spot check. I admitted to two pimples and a boil.

After I told my wife that black underwear turned me on, she didn't wash my Y-fronts for a month.

I dreamt I was forced to eat 25lb of marshmallows. When I woke up, my pillow was missing.

So there I was lying in the gutter. A man stopped and asked '"What's the matter? Did you fall over?" So I said "No. I've a bar of toffee in my back pocket and I was just trying to break it."

The boat was so old; it must have been launched when Long John Silver had two legs and an egg on his shoulder.

She's a classy girl though, at least all her tattoos are spelt right.

It was a pretty posh place. They were so used to fur coats that two bears strolled in and ordered lunch and nobody even noticed.

I met this cowboy with a brown paper hat, paper waistcoat and paper trousers. He was wanted for rustling.

My mother was so house proud that when my father got up to sleepwalk she had the bed made by the time he got back.

My parents never understood me; they were Japanese.

My father was a simple man; my mother was a simple woman; you see the result standing in front of you, a simpleton.

His body, his mind, his soul, had, for years, served only for the profit of others. He had his own people to whom he was pledged. Three million. They were the currency of his freedom.

History seems to be so clumsy.

I was born not knowing and have had only a little time to change that here and there.

Words are where most change begins.

I wake up and check my Instagram to see what I missed out on last night. Then I check my Twitter. Then I check my Tumblr.

The thing that keeps me most awake is the desire and curiosity to learn more.

i decapitated dandelions all morning, leaving carnage and death strewn into my path.

God comes to us in the things we know best and cane verify most easily, the things of our everyday life.

Most people want to be rich but they do not want to pay the price, in fact there are ways of becoming rich in which the odds are in the person's favor

What can the Church do? If she stands by her moral teaching, then she will be seen as standing in judgement over a vast percentage of Europeans.