Humor Quotes

I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.

If you’ve got the comedy eye, you can look at any situation and see the humor in it while others don’t.

I was doing stand-up at a restaurant and there was a chalkboard on the street out front. It said, Soup of the Day: Cream of Asparagus. Ellen DeGeneres.

You've got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven.

Saying, 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying, 'I apologize.' Except at a funeral.

What is grand is necessarily obscure to weak men. That which can be made explicit to the idiot is not worth my care.

I had a polynomial once. My doctor removed it.

Who, last time I'd checked, was still on our official archenemy list. (Yes, we have to keep a list. It's kind of sad.)

There is nothing like puking with somebody to make you into old friends.

You look as scary as a buttered muffin.

And next time you're planning to injure yourself to get me attention, just remember that a little sweet talk works wonders.

There you go, Harry!” Ron shouted over the noise. “You weren’t being thick after all — you were showing moral fiber!

Charm is the enchanted dart, light and subtle as a hummingbird. But it is deceptive in one thing: like a sense of humor, if you think you've got it, you probably haven't.

Computer games don't affect kids; I mean if Pac-Man affected us as kids, we'd all be running around in darkened rooms, munching magic pills and listening to repetitive electronic music.

The new Haitian baseball can't weigh more than four ounces or less than five.

Pride is the first step in people unraveling and companies unraveling and relationships unraveling.

When your about to criticize someone walk a mile in thier shoes, that way when you criticize them you're a mile away from them and you have their shoes

The best humor is offered up to you by the stupidity of your opponents.

I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.

I sometimes wonder if necrophiliacs are really into dead people or if they just enjoy the quiet.

When a thing is funny, search it carefully for a hidden truth.

The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.

Some people have a way with words, and other people...oh, uh, not have way.

Anytime you see a turtle up on top of a fence post, you know he had some help.

Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself.

Did you ever wonder if the person in the puddle is real, and you're just a reflection of him?

Does God have a sense of humor? He must have if He created us.

I don't make mistakes. I make prophecies which immediately turn out to be wrong.

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that!

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets?

Not being funny doesn't make you a bad person. Not having a sense of humor does.

I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

Sometimes when it looks like I'm deep in thought I'm just trying not to have a conversation with people.

Smiling is definitely one of the best beauty remedies

An infallible method of conciliating a tiger is to allow oneself to be devoured.

This island is made mainly of coal and surrounded by fish. Only an organizing genius could produce a shortage of coal and fish at the same time.

After making love I said to my girl, "Was it good for you too?" And she said, "I don't think this was good for anybody."

When a chick has a sense of humor, theres nothing more attractive.

A positive attitude and a sense of humor go together like biscuits and gravy.

After I told my wife that black underwear turned me on, she didn't wash my Y-fronts for a month.

There are things that are so serious that you can only joke about them.

Love and magic have a great deal in common. they enrich the soul, delight the heart. And they both take practice.

A zoo is a good place to make a spectacle of yourself, as the people around you have creepier, more photogenic things to look at.

The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.

A well-read woman is a dangerous creature.

If the automobile had followed the same development as the computer, a Rolls Royce would today cost $100 and get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year killing everyone inside.

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

I looked up and saw the shape of a heart made by the silhouette of Ben Affleck and Matt Damon kissing.

Doctor just told me I can't have kids. I asked for a second opinion. He said, Why? No one's gonna to let you take kids from this hospital.