Humor Quotes

That's the nature of research you don't know what in hell you're doing.

Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?

I'm proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is - I could be just as proud for half the money

You know why the French hate us so much? Thay gave us the croissant. And you know what we did with it? We turned it into our croissandwich, thank you very much.

I hate mankind, for I think myself one of the best of them, and I know how bad I am.

Picnics are very dear to those who are in the first stage of the tender passion.

The love of books is among the choicest gifts of the gods.

I could not tread these perilous paths in safety, if I did not keep a saving sense of humor.

That's the beauty of argument, if you argue correctly, you're never wrong.

Humor was a good way to hide the pain.

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

In 1969 I gave up women and alcohol - it was the worst 20 minutes of my life.

Show me somebody who is always smiling, always cheerful, always optimistic, and I will show you somebody who hasn't the faintest idea what the heck is really going on.

Half of seeming clever is keeping your mouth shut at the right times.

Gossip is just a tool to distract people who have nothing better to do from feeling jealous of those few of us still remaining with noble hearts.

My sense of humor is a turkey, and I pull it out of the oven and baste it in reality.

Once you realize what a joke everything is, being the Comedian is the only thing that makes sense.

I am about to - or I am going to - die; either expression is correct.

My advice to defensive players: Take the shortest route to the ball and arrive in a bad humor.

Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?

wash the brush, just beats the devil out of it

Real life is sometimes boring, rarely conclusive and boy, does the dialogue need work.

A literary academic can no more pass a bookstore than an alcoholic can pass a bar.

To most Christians, the Bible is like a software license. Nobody actually reads it. They just scroll to the bottom and click 'I agree'.

Of course, if 40% of women need oxytocin to progress normally, then something is wrong with the definition of normal.

Sometimes I think I must have a Guardian Idiot. A little invisible spirit just behind my shoulder, looking out for me...only he's an imbecile.

The voice of Love seemed to call to me, but it was a wrong number.

Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he is not; a sense of humor to console him for what he is.

A gossip is one who talks to you about others; a bore is one who talks to you about himself; and a brilliant conversationalist is one who talks to you about yourself.

Turkeys are peacocks that have really let themselves go.

Wisdom is for statues. Humor uncaps our inhibitions, unleashes our energies, seals friendships, patches hurts. Laughing is probably the most alive you can be.

Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea…does that mean that 1 enjoys it?

Television – a medium. So called because it is neither rare nor well done.

Was Einstein's theory good? Relatively.

A Jazz man should be saying what he feels: humor, sadness, joy... all the things that humans have.

The real fact is that I could no longer stand their eternal cold mutton.

Drive-Thru McDonalds was more expensive than I thought...once you've hired the car...

Reality depresses me. I need to find fantasy worlds and escape in them.

Prison is like high school with knives.

Part of the appeal of the fantastic is taking ridiculous ideas very seriously and pretending they're not absurd.

I am a man of peace [so he told Mother, but it always appeared to me that he was the most belligerent man of peace I had ever encountered]

I have a great many opinions about writing, but I'm afraid that all of them are unprintable

Be sure to lie to your kids about the benevolent, all-seeing Santa Claus. It will prepare them for an adulthood of believing in God.

I'm a godmother, that's a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that's cute, I taught her that.

There are many things we can live without but a sense of humor is not one of them!

Keep your sense of humor. There's enough stress in the rest of your life not to let bad shots ruin a game you're supposed to enjoy.

Humility is like underwear; essential, but indecent if it shows.

If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God??

Fill what is empty, empty what is full, and scratch where it itches.