Funny Quotes

No man's credit is ever as good as his money.

Somebody figured it out- we have 35 million laws trying to enforce Ten Commandments.

All the great guitarists have a spirit-a way they play and don't play.

Hide your gold, your faith and the reason of you journey.

If you don't advertise yourself you will be advertised by your loving enemies.

Blessed is the man who has found someone to do his work.

My life acccomplishments? Sanity, and you

All we have is here and now. That's why procrastination feels so right. Procrastination isn't the problem, it's the solution.

That woman in the shampoo commercial - she's happy. She's... she's too happy.

Something funny always happens in every show in the UK and I genuinely love touring the UK because it's where I'm from. I just get a warm feeling when I'm home.

[It's] funny how things have a way of looking so much brighter in the daytime.

Folks always look good in their coffins.

When I die, so does hip hop.

That old question about whether, as a woman, you can be funny and attractive at the same time. Argh! I hate that question. Of course you can.

Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow.

It's funny: All my friends back home are always wondering why every television show I'm on is a drama, but all the comedy pilots I did died a slow and painful death.

A member of the committee slapped a name tag over my left bosom. "What shall we name the other one?" I smiled. She was not amused.

She's as funny as a toothache

The mole rat is the only rodent born without a fur coat. With a good lawyer, someone would pay for that little oversight.

You'd be amazed how much research you can get done when you have no life whatsoever.

A lot of the things I do are the sort of things I think are funny.

There's something therapeutic about connecting with an audience - when there's something really sort of odd or silly that you think is funny, and conveying it to an audience.

Things can be funny only when we are in fun. When we're 'dead earnest,' humor is the only thing that is dead.

It's funny how people want to sometimes think that Young and Beautiful film is about all adolescents, but it's just the case of one girl. It doesn't mean all the adolescents are like that, of course.

I asked a shop owner if he could help me out. He said: "What way did you come in?"

Men only go for skinny women because they're too weak to argue - and salads are cheap.

My father fought in World War I and single-handedly destroyed the Germans' line of communication. He ate their pigeon.

A man walks into a hospital feeling unwell and the doctor says: "Sorry, you've only got three minutes to live." The man said: "Can you do something for me?" "Yes," he said. "I'll boil you an egg."

My Irish mate told me, if you file down the edges of a 50 pence piece, you can use it as a 10p.

Did you know you can have an Irish abortion, but there is a 12 month waiting list?

I was in a panto last year, Aladdin and The Wonderful Lamp. I played the wick. I got the sack because I was too well-oiled every night.

I gave my wife a kiss this morning. She jumped out of bed and did a lap of honour.

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar. The barman looks at them and says: "Is this some kind of a joke?"

This is Frank Carson, News at Ten, Sober.

I was going up to the bathroom and a woman asked me: "Have you a good memory for faces?" I asked why and she said: "Because there isn't a mirror up there."

Never vote for the best candidate, vote for the one who will do the least harm.

It turns out your not dyslexic, your just really really stupid.

Welcome to Glasgow - the city where we punch people who are on fire.

Barack Obama will appeal to both black and white voters in America. White voters who'll think he's Tiger Woods.

RyanAir have been getting a hard time because they've launched a £7 flight to New York. Although as always with RyanAir it does land slightly outside of New York. In Dublin.

Don't try to give a funny opinion; give your opinion in a way that will be funny.

She used to be a teacher but she has no class now.

A telescope will magnify a star a thousand times, but a good press agent can do even better.

It is more worthy in the eyes of God . . . if a writer makes three pages sharp and funny about the lives of geese than to make three hundred fat and flabby about God or the American people.

As I remember it, the bases were loaded.

Besties before testes.

The way my team are doing, we could get Wilt Chamberlain in a trade and find out that he's really two midgets Scotch-taped together.

Two people getting together to write a book is like three people getting together to have a baby. One of them is superfluous.

Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read.

I'd say that about 82 percent of what I write is bad, but don't go by me; I'm as bad a judge as I am a writer. Look, if it were all good, you'd be paying twice as much for this book.