An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar. The barman looks at them and says: "Is this some kind of a joke?"

I don't think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.

What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a poodle peeing on your leg? You let the Rottweiler finish.

I was in the Far East and I went into a restaurant and I ordered octopus and the waiter said: "It takes four hours." I asked why and he said: "It keeps turning off the gas."

Doctor told me I've got two weeks to live. I said: "Can I have the last week in July and the 1st week in August?"

There were two Irishmen eating sandwiches in a pub and the landlord said: "You can't eat your own food in here." So they swapped sandwiches.

Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine?

My wife went into the butchers and said: "You've a sheep's head in your window." The butcher said: "That's a mirror."

A girl asks her doctor, "Doctor, I've forgotten to take my contradictory pill!" The doctor says: "Are you ignorant?" The girl says: "Yes, three months!"

There was a man sitting in the dining room of the Titanic, he said: "I know I asked for ice, but this is ridiculous."

A man says to the doctor: "What's the good news?" "You've got 24 hours to live." He says: "What's the bad news?" The doctor says: "We should have told you yesterday."

I can’t help you, I can only guide you, and you are the one who can help yourself.

Gulls shriek plovers and sandpipers run up and down the beach. The tide is all the way out. The stone jetty from which people fish in the summer is covered with seals basking in the light.

You're surrounded by people and voices and noises, but there you are, alone and trembling inside. And you want to be invisible. (thinking) Please, don't notice me.

Be careful of what you dwell on and what you say.

I don't think that anybody really makes films quite like mine. That's maybe true of any filmmaker.

Jason Randal is without a doubt the finest in the world at what he does!

To get rid of depression, I swim with dolphins.

The Pro-Life cause is the preeminent cause of our time, and this struggle between the gospel of life and the culture of death will determine the destiny of mankind.

I have my shortcomings. But the message, it has no shortcomings. The message of Liberty is what America is all about.

I'm not thuggin' for me, I'm thuggin' for my family, I pay all the bills, I feed my whole family, wrong or right, I do and I can't stop.