The mole rat is the only rodent born without a fur coat. With a good lawyer, someone would pay for that little oversight.

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.

In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed.

Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.

Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

For you to be successful in your promised land, you must study the land

It is better to hope than despair.

Life without the Internet is unimaginable.

You're creating an intimacy that everybody feels, that it's their experience, not yours. I'll never introduce a song and say, now this song is about 'my' broken heart.

... he was juggling issues and solving problems, which was why his brain had no space left for memories.

Seeing is looking at something in saturation. But we tend to look at something for, say, 1/30 of a second.

I always like to try to bring whatever I can to what is on the page, so I like to find as much dimension as I can, in each role.

Sooner or later people will learn to recognize your worth

In spiritual direction there is absolutely no domination or control.

The way I see it, anyone who's proud of their country is either a thug or just hasn't read enough history yet.