She's as funny as a toothache

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.

In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed.

Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.

Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

If you're never scared or embarrassed or hurt it means you never take any chances.

Working with Omarion is pretty amazing. That's like my brother. He's really cool.

He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.

If you're not enjoying yourself, you can't really look as if you are.

You hear about actors who were doing five years on a series as lovers and actually hated each other. I don't know if I could pull it off.

A lot of work still remains but I will see the end of child labor in my lifetime.

If you do not rest on the good foundation of nature, you will labour with little honor and less profit.

A play that forces us to question our moral responsibility to the victims of human rights abuse.

Make your life spectacular, I know I did.

I'm a sucker for, like, an endearing man who's like standing in his authentic self.