This is Frank Carson, News at Ten, Sober.

I don't think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.

What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a poodle peeing on your leg? You let the Rottweiler finish.

I was in the Far East and I went into a restaurant and I ordered octopus and the waiter said: "It takes four hours." I asked why and he said: "It keeps turning off the gas."

Doctor told me I've got two weeks to live. I said: "Can I have the last week in July and the 1st week in August?"

There were two Irishmen eating sandwiches in a pub and the landlord said: "You can't eat your own food in here." So they swapped sandwiches.

Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine?

My wife went into the butchers and said: "You've a sheep's head in your window." The butcher said: "That's a mirror."

A girl asks her doctor, "Doctor, I've forgotten to take my contradictory pill!" The doctor says: "Are you ignorant?" The girl says: "Yes, three months!"

There was a man sitting in the dining room of the Titanic, he said: "I know I asked for ice, but this is ridiculous."

A man says to the doctor: "What's the good news?" "You've got 24 hours to live." He says: "What's the bad news?" The doctor says: "We should have told you yesterday."

I realize that life is risks. It’s acknowledging the past but looking forward. It’s taking a chance that we willmake mistakes but believing that we all deserve to be forgiven.

You lived what anybody gets, Bernie. You got a lifetime. No more. No less.

Five tender apricots in a blue bowl, a brief and exact promise of things to come.

I wish I had been born a storm. No heart, no tears, just a terrible gale'd been good.

Human nature is pretty shabby stuff, as you may know from introspection.

Botswana had three successive good presidents who served their legal terms, who did well for their countries - three, not one.

The easiest thing to do in the world is pull the covers up over your head and go back to sleep.

Never run more than 3 hours straight in training, whether your marathon best is 2:42 or 4:24.

there were crimes and quarrels, alongside kindness and cooperation; there were people who loved each other and people who did not; it was a human world.

I do not think about absent persons as often or with such intense longing as I think of places. They lie one below the other in my mind.