A member of the committee slapped a name tag over my left bosom. "What shall we name the other one?" I smiled. She was not amused.

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.

In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed.

Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.

Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

He found himself understanding the wearisomeness of this life, where every path was an improvisation and a considerable part of one's waking life was spent watching one's feet.

My spirit is free. My heart is taken.

No wife wants to hear that her husband is less than perfect.

The enthusiastic uprising of the people in our cause, is our great reliance; and we can not safely give it any check, even thoughit overflows, and runs in channels not laid down in any chart.

It makes one sad to see the sell-out of President Fox, really it makes one sad. How sad that the president of a people like the Mexicans lets himself become the puppy dog of the empire.

I was a virgin. People find that hard to believe, but when you're raised in a church, that was just the way it is.

It's not who you are, but whose you are that counts. Because God is your heavenly Father, doors of opportunity will open for you.

I believe a writer's most important skill lies in being able to see things from different perspectives.

A doctor is nothing more than consolation for the spirit.

Never lose the child-like wonder. It’s just too important. It’s what drives us. Help others.