Did you know you can have an Irish abortion, but there is a 12 month waiting list?

I don't think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.

What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a poodle peeing on your leg? You let the Rottweiler finish.

I was in the Far East and I went into a restaurant and I ordered octopus and the waiter said: "It takes four hours." I asked why and he said: "It keeps turning off the gas."

Doctor told me I've got two weeks to live. I said: "Can I have the last week in July and the 1st week in August?"

There were two Irishmen eating sandwiches in a pub and the landlord said: "You can't eat your own food in here." So they swapped sandwiches.

Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine?

My wife went into the butchers and said: "You've a sheep's head in your window." The butcher said: "That's a mirror."

A girl asks her doctor, "Doctor, I've forgotten to take my contradictory pill!" The doctor says: "Are you ignorant?" The girl says: "Yes, three months!"

There was a man sitting in the dining room of the Titanic, he said: "I know I asked for ice, but this is ridiculous."

A man says to the doctor: "What's the good news?" "You've got 24 hours to live." He says: "What's the bad news?" The doctor says: "We should have told you yesterday."

What would you attempt to do if you knew you could not fail?

We shouldn't have to be burdened with all the technicalities that come up from time to time with shrewd, smart lawyers interpreting what the laws or what the Constitution may or may not say.

The meaning of your communication is the response you get.

He does it with his hands, by experience, first in play and then through work. The hands are the instruments of man's intelligence.

Weak thoughts, weak desires: he felt their force.

In the state of Alabama we have a significant number of illegal aliens that are leaving our state as occurred in Arizona after they got tough on illegal aliens.

I saw your smile and my mind could not erase the beauty of your face.

You can risk being wrong or you can be boring.

Kicks are my forte. I've got strong legs and high kicks. And I've got very good reach, obviously.

From heaven even the most miserable life will look like one bad night at an inconvenient hotel.