Funny Quotes

In TV today, you can say I pricked my finger, but you can't say it the other way around.

Intelligence tests are biased toward the literate.

The Christians gave Him Sunday, the Jews gave Him Saturday, and the Muslims gave Him Friday. God has a three-day weekend.

No one knows what's next, but everybody does it.

I didn't notice him coming, but he didn't seem to be looking for an autograph signature

As long as you're a tax deduction, you'll always be safe in my house.

The thing that's weird is that we thought it was funny. We expected people to get the joke - that we [with Andrew Ridgeley] were two guys really making asses of ourselves.

There are a good many fools who call me a friend, and also a good many friends who call me a fool.

"Cracking the Ice" scores the literary equivalent of a hat-trick: funny, harrowing and finally, heartfelt. This book is a winner.

This book was written in those long hours I spent waiting for my wife to get dressed to go out. And if she had never gotten dressed at all this book would never have been written.

Obviously there was no point in being a bachelor if his houseman was going to filch his booze. If he was going to get robbed, he might just as well get married.

Love had forged ahead so swiftly that in no time it had displaced agriculture as the leading industry of the period. To anyone who has tried both, this wont come as much of a surprise.

I write by ear. I tried writing with the typewriter, but I found it too unwieldy

Dig trenches? With our men being killed off like flies? There isn't time to dig trenches. We'll have to buy them ready made.

Send two dozen roses to Room 424 and put "Emily, I love you" on the back of the bill.

All geniuses die young.

Since my daughter is only half-Jewish, could she go in the water up to her knees?

Don't be silly. I'll write you twice a week.

You know what's funny? I don't ever feel the need to escape. I have a strong marriage. I like my life. You hear about these guys having midlife crises - I don't see that happening to me.

When one door closes, another one opens, but sometimes we wait too long looking at the closed door, and never realize that another door has been opened.

The Doctor says, "You'll live to be 60!" "I AM 60!" "See, what did I tell you?"

2 Guys in a health club, one is putting on pantyhose. "Since when do you wear pantyhose?" "Since my wife found it in the glove compartment!"

The food on the plane was fit for a king. "Here, King!"

I was just in London - there is a 6 hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.

Are you Polish? Okay, I'll talk slower.

A Polish guy locked his keys in the car. It took an hour to get his wife out.

I asked a Jewish man, "Do you know where Michigan Avenue is?" He said, "Yes", and walked away.

If I had blood, I'd blush.

How do Polish people spell farm? E-I-E-I-O

I wish that someone had said to me that it's normal to feel lost for a little while.

I would love to do something like 'Beverly Hills Cop'. I'd get to be funny and cool and heroic all in the same breath.

Here's a six-foot-ten guy in sneakers and the lady's asking me, 'Profession?'

I got mugged. And they got my knapsack with my comedy notebook in it. So if anybody see two cholos bombing at the Funny Bone chain, that would be them. Just give me a jingle.

I'm always more motivated by the pain of a funny character than by what makes him funny.

It’s funny, I can sit through the worst horror film ever made! But even a quite good romantic comedy.

Mirrors should reflect a little before throwing back images.

It's funny, he said, have you ever thought that a girl's clothes cost more than the girl inside them?

When I was a kid, my parents had a 900-pound television on top of a TV tray. My dad's theory was, 'Let him pull it over his head a few times, he'll learn.'

She's been there for me in a lot of ways, and she really is just the most dependable and loyal and funny as all get out. I mean, she just cracks me up. Constantly.

Well, at least I had on underwear

I'm doing what I love, and then I get months and months of rest. I have a lot of money for a 21-year-old. I can't stand it when actors complain.

You can either take it as a way to motivate yourself or be happy with what you've got.

We started with 53,000 people. Half are gone, but surprisingly, most are still here!

There's two heads to every coin.

They throw Winfield out at second, but he's safe.

Tony Gwynn, the fat batter behind Finley, is waiting.

Ozzie Smith is out there roaming around like glass.

Benedict may not be as hurt as he really is.