A man walks into a hospital feeling unwell and the doctor says: "Sorry, you've only got three minutes to live." The man said: "Can you do something for me?" "Yes," he said. "I'll boil you an egg."

I don't think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.

What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a poodle peeing on your leg? You let the Rottweiler finish.

I was in the Far East and I went into a restaurant and I ordered octopus and the waiter said: "It takes four hours." I asked why and he said: "It keeps turning off the gas."

Doctor told me I've got two weeks to live. I said: "Can I have the last week in July and the 1st week in August?"

There were two Irishmen eating sandwiches in a pub and the landlord said: "You can't eat your own food in here." So they swapped sandwiches.

Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine?

My wife went into the butchers and said: "You've a sheep's head in your window." The butcher said: "That's a mirror."

A girl asks her doctor, "Doctor, I've forgotten to take my contradictory pill!" The doctor says: "Are you ignorant?" The girl says: "Yes, three months!"

There was a man sitting in the dining room of the Titanic, he said: "I know I asked for ice, but this is ridiculous."

A man says to the doctor: "What's the good news?" "You've got 24 hours to live." He says: "What's the bad news?" The doctor says: "We should have told you yesterday."

The world, full of past sound, would be like the sky, full of past light. The world would be like the mind, for which there is no once.

The more choices we have, the greater the need for focus.

It wasn't long after the discovery of modern anesthesia that people began to die of it.

Hook your audience with a tiny snag of truth, and the Holy Spirit will unravel the rest.

When music and courtesy are better understood and appreciated, there will be no war.

When you have great joy, you will become Buddhas!

I think a quality that a national security adviser must have is the ability to set up procedures.

I strive to do my best every single time and I think that's something the skate community knows about me and appreciates.

Scheduling is always tough, no matter what the budget size is, and we had our own run-ins with that, on 'Fading of the Cries.'

Today’s generation of young people holds more power than any generation before it to make a positive impact on the world.