Funny Quotes
A casino in South Dakota was robbed by a man dressed as a mummy. The police described the suspect as anywhere between 25 and 8,000 years old.
You should never protest outside a rich guy's home during the day because he's not there. He's at work grinding the faces of the poor.
During a photo-call with fellow Olympic gold medallist Duncan Goodhew- Pity Steve Ovett didn't show up. Then we could have had the good, the bald and the ugly.
Derangement is the only possible explanation for owning a cat, an animal whose preferred mode of communication is to sink its claws three-quarters of an inch into your flesh.
What I need is a search engine that, no matter what I type in, comes back with GO BACK TO WORK.
The Russians will never be able to get their missiles thought the dense protective layer of delayed flights circling over the United States in complex, puke-inducing holding patterns.
Elsewhere in Italy is the lovely city of Venice, which each year attracts millions of visitors despite the fact that it is basically an enormous open sewer.
Granted, this system is insane, but we must not let sanity stand in the way of airport security.
The doctor looked at my cardiogram and made that "hmmmm" noise that doctors are taught in medical school so they won't come right out and say "UH-oh!"
The Romans spent the next 200 years using their great engineering skill to construct ruins all over Europe.
To people who make moving ads that block the view of websites: Not only will we not buy from you, but we want shrews to eat your liver.
English history consists largely of royal people getting their heads chopped off...Needless to say, this brand of history was a hit with our son.
After the war, Prohibition was passed, and with liquor no longer legally available the nation plunged headlong into the Great Depression.
I watched as an extremely nerdy exhibitor - I'm talking about a guy who makes Bill Gates look like Brad Pitt.
Motto of the U.S. airline industry - "We're Hoping to Have a Motto Announcement in About an Hour."
The story of the eighties will be the story of the Reagan administration and the many men and women who served in it, some of whom are already out on parole.
I was reading this James Bond book, and right away I realized that, like most books, it had too many words.
I think I became funny because I grew up in the Bronx. I was small and weak and Jewish instead of large and fierce and Puerto Rican. You need something.
The Spanish government, having run completely out of money, secretly sold the Pyrenees to China, and is now separated from France only by traffic cones.
The basic Roman ruin design is a pile of rocks with a little plaque saying "Roman Ruins" and a group of tourists frowning at it and wishing they were back at the hotel bar.
Basically Ken is a very gentle, home-loving person. I remember when one of his stick insects had a knee infection. He stayed up all night rubbing it with germoline and banging its head on the table.
And the line up for the final of the women's 400 metres hurdles includes three Russians, two East Germans, a Pole, a Swede and a Frenchman
We get to see it! January 1st, 2000! We get to see... all those fundamentalist preachers having to do their backpedaling when the Armageddon doesn't occur.
I have always tried to use humor to "help ever" and "hurt never," for I find that to laugh is like swallowing a secret that Santa Claus farted.
If I want to act relaxed, it's going to take all my cunning, skill, and concentration.
Very often, I don't make it through moments of recording because it is genuinely funny and absolutely ridiculous that a 60-year-old grown man is making these noises.
It is funny the things that run through your mind when you're sitting in your underpants in front of a pair of strangers.
It's just easier to make fun and cut down. It's kind of a way of life in America. If you can make people want to hear what you're going to say, it can be cruel and funny.
Writing for radio really focuses the mind, because you can't rely on thinking "Oh, just pull a funny face at the end of this sketch." You've got to try to work on the words.
Whenever I investigate a smell, I find that the answer is always bad. It's never: 'What is that? *sniff* muffins!'
Bad television is three things: a bullet train to a morally bankrupt youth, a slow spiral into an intellectual void, and of course, a complete blast to watch.
It's a one-to-one dialogue. You open your mouth and you're talking to 6 million people.
Barbara Ehrenreich is smart, provocative, funny, and sane in a world that needs more of all four.
The hardest exercise for most of us fat people is that one where we push our chairback from the dinner table.
In a funny way, the stories keep themselves alive by emerging from one another. I like that.
The internet has done nothing but good for comedy all around. Comedians no longer have to rely on TV execs and club owners deciding if they are funny or not.
There is a feeling which persists in England that making a sandwich interesting, attractive, or in any way pleasant to eat is something sinful that only foreigners do.
Beer must be made by food companies. It makes you wander the streets at 3 am looking for things to eat. "What's that, is it moving, get it!! It's a nun! Fry her!! Fry her!"