Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

Last night I dreamt I ate a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up the pillow was gone.

I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'

I went window shopping today! I bought four windows.

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.

I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died."

'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home. 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.'

I've been on the whisky diet - I've already lost three days!

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

Your actions may not directly define the kind of person you are but the words that come out your mouth surely will.

With each tweet, post, share and comment, we are building and adding to our digital iceberg.

A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way.

I went to Performing Arts because that was the only school that would accept me. My scholastic level was not very high.

Suffering over things that have happened to us is nothing more than an argument with the past.

That’s a divorce. You ever seen a divorce? That’s like her taking not only the furniture and the silverware -- she took the dog, too. (Harvick) didn’t get the animal, I would say.

I was sitting on the bus, and the sign said if you're ready to better your life, come to Medgar Evers College, and I got off the bus and went to Medgar Evers College.

Leadership is taking responsibility while others are making excuses.

No matter how advanced your camera you still need to be responsible for getting it to the right place at the right time and pointing it in the right direction to get the photo you want.

If you simply announce that things are irrational, then that alone doesnt get you very far. You have to replace rational agents with some concrete notion of what it means to be irrational.