Humorous Quotes

Humorous Quote of the day

"despair all ye mortals," he said in a voice of doom. "the mama approacheth"

People who leave their drugs in a bathroom the guests use are just asking for trouble.

If you always do what interests you, at least one person is pleased".

Men always want to be a woman’s first love. That is their clumsy vanity. We women have a more subtle instinct about these things. What (women) like is to be a man’s last romance.

I like persons better than principles, and I like persons with no principles better than anything else in the world.

It's better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than open it and remove all doubt

Sane people did what their neighbours did, so that if any lunatics were at large, one might know and avoid them.

In Wilson's scale of evaluations breakfast rated just after life itself and ahead of the chance of immortality.

It's all life is. Just going 'round kissing people.

Obstinate, headstrong girl!

I believe you to be strictly honorable.'He thoughtfully emptied his cup. 'I wish I could add you were intelligent, ' he went on, knocking on his head with his knuckles.

By the time he was done with the deer it had been dark three hours and his bad leg was singing 'Ave Maria'.

Put down that bottle and pickup an Oreo instead...you"ll live longer! #JustSaying

The last time anybody made a list of the top hundred character attributes of New Yorkers, common sense snuck in at number 79.

They have been eating muffins. That looks like repentance.

There was a point to this story, but it has temporarily escaped the chronicler's mind.

A man who carries a cat by the tail learns a lesson he can learn in no other way.

Well, " he said. "I hope to God I never make forty -- I wouldn't know what to do with myself.

you're entirly bonkers but I'll tell you a secret all the best people are

I am no indiscriminate novel reader. The mere trash of the common circulating library I hold in the highest contempt.

Bad artists always admire each others work.

There are times when I am so unlike myself that I might be taken for someone else of an entirely opposite character.

Some circumstantial evidence is very strong, as when you find a trout in the milk.

Grandparenthood is one of life's rewards for surviving your own children.

There was a time when the one singular thing that held a marriage together was the threat of getting the kids.

A toothache, or a violent passion, is not necessarily diminished by our knowledge of its causes, its character, its importance or insignificance.

Learn more and Know more.

You don't seem to realise, that in married life three is company and two is none.

The humorous story is American, the comic story is English, the witty story is French.

One never realizes how different a husband and wife can be until they begin to pack for a trip.

Men have a much better time of it than women. For one thing they marry later. For another thing they die earlier.

I refuse to give readers an uplifting faux experience engineered to comfort them and perpetuate the sociopolitical and economic status quo.""Who died and made you Bertolt Brecht?

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That's his.

When the Attorney-General ceased, a buzz arose in the court as if a cloud of great blue-flies were swarming about the prisoner, in anticipation of what he was soon to become.

Those half-learn'd witlings, num'rous in our isle As half-form'd insects on the banks of Nile

You can never be too thin or too rich. And if you don't believe it you were never really fat or really poor.

You want to make God laugh? Tell him your future plans.

I wanted to become an atheist but I gave it up. They have no holidays.

Actually, watching television and surfing the Internet are really excellent practice for being dead.

Everyone has a plan until they get punched in the face.

Those who do not complain are never pitied.

I leave it to be settled, by whomsoever it may concern, whether the tendency of this work be altogether to recommend parental tyranny, or reward filial disobedience.

Y'ever notice how you never seem to get laid on Thanksgiving? I think it's because all the coats are on the bed.

For the hackneyed art of lying without injury to anyone, Rushbrook, to his shame, was proficient.

I persuaded him to throw the dirk away and it was as easy as persuading a child to give up some bright fresh new way of killing itself.

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.

[representative government is] deciding once in three or six years which member of the ruling class was to misrepresent the people in Parliament,

Papa, potatoes, poultry, prunes and prism, are all very good words for the lips.

I hope I know my own unworthiness, and that I hate and despise myself and all my fellow-creatures as every practicable Christian should.

When one is too old for love, one finds great comfort in good dinners.