Witty Quotes

Great God! This is an awful place.

There are truths of which I have an inkling, but of most I have only a pencilling

Not one man in a beer commercial has a beerbelly.

Why don't you write books people can read?(to her husband James)

Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it.

It's all right for a perfect stranger to kiss your hand as long as he's perfect.

It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes

We are a nation of sheep, and someone else owns the grass.

It's much simpler to be tortured on camera or to be filmed losing your mind. Whereas a script that has characters who are honest, witty and genuine is often much harder to act.

A large nose is in fact the sign of an affable man, good, courteous, witty, liberal, courageous, such as I am.

I usually lump organized religion, organized labor, and organized crime together. The Mafia gets points for having the best restaurants

Magnetism, as you recall from physics class, is a powerful force that causes certain items to be attracted to refrigerators.

The global importance of the Middle East is that it keeps the Far East and the Near East from encroaching on each other.

I love people; it's mankind I can't stand.

Bores can be divided into two classes; those who have their own particular subject, and those who do not need a subject.

I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.

My senior year of high school, I was voted Wittiest. So, several years later, I decided to try my hand at writing humor to see if I could be witty enough to make some money.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.

Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.

Put it out of your mind. In no time, it will be a forgotten memory.

Democracy arises out of the notion that those who are equal in any respect are equal in all respects; because men are equally free, they claim to be absolutely equal.

Assassination is the extreme form of censorship.

Hatred is blind, as well as love.

The worst guilt is to accept an undeserved guilt — and that is what you have been doing all your life.

It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.

There's one thing that's really great about waking up early, and it's not jogging or greeting the day - it's just that that's when they make doughnuts.

I love my cigar too, but I take it out of my mouth once in a while.

We used to sleep five to a bed and three of them used to wet the bed. I learnt to swim before I could walk.

Our comedies are not to be laughed at.

The best thing about humour is that it shows people they are not alone.

People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world.

Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.

Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong.

I earn and pay my own way as a great many women do today. Why should unmarried women be discriminated against - unmarried men are not.

Any one who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.

#3 pencils and quadrille pads.(when asked what CAD tools he used to design the Cray I supercomputer )

No one can have everything, so you have to try for what you want most.

Love flies out the door when money comes innuendo.

A witty saying proves nothing, but saying something pointless gets people's attention.

If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there

The advantage of growing up with siblings is that you become very good at fractions.

The important question is, what will your wear for a wedding dress, Alexia? You look horrible in white.

Histories make men wise; poets, witty; the mathematics, subtle; natural philosophy, deep; moral, grave; logic and rhetoric, able to contend.

College isn't the place to go for ideas.

Banks have a new image. Now you have 'a friend,' your friendly banker. If the banks are so friendly, how come they chain down the pens?

Hell is paved with good intentions, not with bad ones. All men mean well.

Anyone who hates children and animals can't be all bad.

Obviously, as an adult I realize this girl-on-girl sabotage is the third worst kind of female behavior, right behind saying "like" all the time and leaving your baby in a dumpster.

Melancholy men, of all others, are the most witty.