My senior year of high school, I was voted Wittiest. So, several years later, I decided to try my hand at writing humor to see if I could be witty enough to make some money.

Junie B. Jones. The B stands for Beatrice. Except, I don't like Beatrice. I just like B and that's all.

A little glitter can turn your whole day around.

I don't really believe in pretending to be happy when you're not. Mostly I believe that you should burden your friends with your problems.

Even though sometimes you can control your anger, you can't control your sadness.

I was a good kid, but I was just very chatty. Teachers were rarely entertained, but occasionally a child was, which was enough for me. Everything was so urgent. I needed to say it immediately.

I'm not actually sure I'm grown-up enough for grown-up books.

Can't we be friends?' I hate your guts, Frankovitch' Can't our guts be friends?

I don't even like clowns. Clowns are not normal people.

I find the term perfect child to be an oxymoron.

A stick or a stone only stings for a minute. A name seems to hurt forever.

Leaders are limited by their vision rather than by their abilities.

The office of the public teacher is an unenviable and thankless one.

Economically considered, war and revolution are always bad business.

Give a civil servant a good case and he'll wreck it with clichés, bad punctuation, double negatives, and convoluted apology.

For fear will rob him of all if he gives too much.

We implore the mercy of God, not that He may leave us at peace in our vices, but that He may deliver us from them.

Twelve to 15 years of acting school, and I am being a bird.

I wanted everybody to see a sunrise and be knocked out by the miracle of it, the world being created every morning.

You can ask my wife about my stamina.

In the world of 'Tim and Eric,' everything is big and ridiculous and absurd.