Humor Quotes

Militant feminists, I take my hat off to them, they don't like that.

I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy; refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does and add "er".

I played in a death-metal band. People either loved us or hated us. Or they thought we were OK.

I went to a restaurant with my friend, and he said, "Pass the salt." I said, "Screw you! Sit closer to the salt."

I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people.

I wish they made fajita cologne, because that stuff smells good. What's that you're wearing? That's sizzlin'!

I have a few cavities. I don't like to call them cavities, though - I like to call them 'places to put stuff'. 'Do you know where I can store a pea' 'Yes, I have some locations available.'

I had a Velcro wallet in a casino. That sound annoyed the hell out of me. Whenever I lost money, and I opened the wallet, it was like the sound of my addiction.

Snake eyes is a gambling term, and an animal term, too.

I rented a car. I didn't really need one, I just wanted to make one less available. I wanted one businessman on the bus with no car.

I have a roommate, and I signed a year lease. I screwed up! That's like I wrote a joke that didn't work, but now I have to tell it for a year.

Have you ever noticed that your ugliest friend is most afraid of being raped?

Some things are easier to legalize than to legitimate.

I don't think I'd have done comedy if I was born eighty years ago I'd have been a lord. Shooting people that were on my land With a wig, yeah. And some crisps.

And with a little sense of humor we can say that there are Christian bats who prefer the shadows to the light of the presence of the Lord.

You know what make me laugh? Good, clean, honest humor. Not-trying-to-be-funny humor.

The time you spend grieving over a man should never exceed the amount of time you actually spent with him

Impulse buying is not macho. Men rarely call the Home Shopping Network.

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

Everyone's always interested in a dark theme, especially when there's humor connected to it. It seems like that helps, if that's an integral and organic part of the whole story.

I cut my own hair. I got sick of barbers because they talk too much. And too much of their talk was about my hair coming out.

Humor is the most honest of emotions. Applause for a speech can be insincere, but with humor, if the audience doesn't like it there's no faking it.

We have a president for whom English is a second language. He's like 'We have to get rid of dictators,' but he's pretty much one himself.

I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.

I have nothing but troubles with my car. Every Sunday I take my family out for a push.

Me and my dad used to play tag, he'd drive!

I asked him "Who said you could fool around with my wife" he said everybody.

She's 80 my nan, what do you want for your birthday? "SHREDDER!! GET ME A SHREDDER!!", what do you want a shredder for? "IDENTITY THEFT!!".

I'm the munter of my friends. I've got wonky teeth and a lazy eye. My friend Rob is disgusted I'm a heart-throb.

Don't pay any attention to the critics; don't even ignore them.

I didn't lose my virginity until I was twenty-six. Nineteen vaginally, but twenty-six what my boyfriend calls "the real way".

Education always continues. We all know that beauty fades, but what stays is a person's personality, their sense of humor, their wit, what they're interested in. That's what really shines.

If Jesus doesn't have a sense of humor, I am in huge trouble.

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coat hanger.

Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?

My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.

Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?

Believe it or not, there are twice as many eyebrows in the world as there are people.

Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.

In an interview, Paris Hilton said that of her and her sister, "People love to hate us. But when you know us, you love us. And if you really get to know us, you get gonorrhea."

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this my livelihood.'

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I had to amputate your arms"

I am on the right wing of the middle of the road and with a strong radical bias.

The best way to make a fire with two sticks is to make sure one of them is a match.

I don't mean to be gross, but the only time it's good to yell "I have diarrhea" is when you're playing Scrabble because it's worth a shitload of points.