I have a roommate, and I signed a year lease. I screwed up! That's like I wrote a joke that didn't work, but now I have to tell it for a year.

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

Most actors are very grateful for what is as opposed to what will be. You spend 98% of your time looking for a job, so when you get it, it's fantastic.

There's something about [cyclically] doing something over and over and over that seems to be particularly demotivating.

Dhirubhai will go one day. But Reliance's employees and shareholders will keep it afloat. Reliance is now a concept in which the Ambanis have become irrelevant.

Football games aren't won, they're lost.

But look, you did not have to be well versed in politics to know that some stupid things were going on. It is the counsel's job to stop them, and instead the coverup was created.

We in Europe ... do not consider the freedom to buy weapons a human right.

Remember the good old days when the only bomb you had to worry about on a plane was the Rob Schneider movie?

I love human aggression. I like it in myself, I think. As far as something to get out, I believe that everybody has it in them, so I like to be an outlet.

If you buy things you do not need, soon you will have to sell things you need.

Is it not clear, however, that bliss and envy are the numerator and denominator of the fraction called happiness?