Humor Quotes

There was a man sitting in the dining room of the Titanic, he said: "I know I asked for ice, but this is ridiculous."

A man says to the doctor: "What's the good news?" "You've got 24 hours to live." He says: "What's the bad news?" The doctor says: "We should have told you yesterday."

It's my wife Ruth's birthday soon. I said to her: "What would you like for your birthday?" She said: "I want a divorce." I said: "I wasn't planning on spending that much."

A man says to his mate: "My wife is a twin." His mate says, "How do you tell them apart?" The man says: "Her brother has a beard."

I come from a family of musicians. Even the sewing machine is a Singer.

A man walks into a pet shop and says: "Give me a wasp." The shopkeeper replies: "We don't sell wasps." He says: "There's one in the window."

A man was found dead covered in sprinkles, strawberry sauce and a flake. Reports said he may have topped himself.

When I heard Cristiano Ronaldo was pictured holding a manbag, I was surprised it was a gucci bag and not another guy's sack.

If I could get my membership fee back, I'd resign from the human race.

Without that poise and balance and gentle humor and caring sense, nothing happens at all. It's just egotism and vanity and jealousy and possessiveness.

NAPOLEON: What shall we do with this soldier, Giuseppe? Everything he says is wrong. GIUSEPPE: Make him a general, Excellency, and then everything he says will be right.

We are now the proud owners of a white boy. Now we have to shop in the caucasian isle and get sunscreen, mayonaise and mild salsa because the other ones really hawt!

I can never do nothing in this house!

Catholic schools carry out a great mission, to serve God by building knowledge and character... By teaching the word of God, you prepare your students to follow a path of virtue.

I read the newspaper.

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

I go on working for the same reason that a hen goes on laying eggs.

The weasel under the cocktail cabinet.

"Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?" The doctor says, "Limp!"

The more I think of you, the less I think of you.

Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous.

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

Hollywood called me, asking me, "How much to do a movie with Farrah Fawcett?" "$50,000" They called back, "How about $20,000?" I said, "I'll pay it!"

Comedy has ceased to be a challenge to the mental processes. It has become a therapy of relaxation, a kind of tranquilizing drug.

Rich Folkers is throwing 'em up in the bullpen.

I've never seen a game like this. Every game this year has been like this.

Pie can't compete with cake. Put candles in a cake, it's a birthday cake. Put candles in a pie, someone's drunk in the kitchen.

There's a trench coat and a tragedy in your future.

No matter how much you give a homeless person for tea... you never get that tea.

Men show their character in nothing more clearly than what they think laughable.

Sarcasim is the lowest form of humor.

The best work never was and never will be done for money.

That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened.

When you come right down to it, the secret to having it all is loving it all.

There is nothing so debilitating to a naturally weak sense of humor as selling tickets behind a grating.

Solutions-oriented campaigning with a little passion and a little humor; I think that will go a long way. I think people are desperate for it.

Historians are like deaf people who go on answering questions that no one has asked them.

Nothing is more apt to deceive us than our own judgment of our work. We derive more benefit from having our faults pointed out by our enemies than from hearing the opinions of friends.

If the people of New Zealand want to be part of our world, I believe they should hop off their islands, and push 'em closer.

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.'

A decrepit society shuns humor as a decrepit individual shuns drafts.

I think the reason Jesus is so popular, just on a celebrity level, is that he died at the peak of his career.

When I give a lecture, I accept that people look at their watches, but what I do not tolerate is when they look at it and raise it to their ear to find out if it stopped.

An atmosphere of trust, love, and humor can nourish extraordinary human capacity. One key is authenticity: parents acting as people, not as roles.

Humor is the good natured side of a truth.

I wasn't worth a cent two years ago, and now I owe two million dollars.

If anything is worth doing, it is worth doing it badly.

Comedy, like sodomy, is an unnatural act.

We are able to laugh when we achieve detachment, if only for a moment.

Everyone tries to get you to dance at clubs. They come up to you and say "You gotta dance! you gotta dance!" And then I dance, and they're like, "Not like that!"