I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people.

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

Maintain a persistent focus of what you want. You will attract the divine force to bring it into existence.

Eyes can only capture objects that already seen in mind.And mind can only see things that already written in heart.

It's not that [writers] are pompous jerks. We are insecure. We feel like we're fading away in this vast sea of scriveners.

Doesn't the telling of something always become a story?

Maturity: Be able to stick with a job until it is finished. Be able to bear an injustice without having to get even. Be able to carry money without spending it. Do your duty without being supervised.

When it comes to standing up for veterans, we cannot be the Republicans and Democrats, we have to be the red, white, and blue party.

I always loved that old song Banks of the Ohio - it was always such a man's song, so I've always wanted to record it.

For us, performance is everything. If we can get great actors in there who like us, and we really like, we feel pretty confident that we can make a movie work.

I never ask my wife about my flaws. Instead I try to get her to ignore them and concentrate on my sense of humor.

You can write about anything, and if you write well enough, even the reader with no intrinsic interest in the subject will become involved.