Humor Quotes
There is nothing particularly wrong with salmon, of course, but like caramel candy, strawberry yogurt, or liquid carpet cleaner, if you eat too much of it you are not going to enjoy your meal.
Be kind to dragons, for thou art crunchy when toasted and taste good with ketchup. (Sebastian)
I don't know where my ideas come from. I will admit, however, that one key ingredient is caffeine. I get a couple cups of coffee into me and weird things just start to happen.
But Piglet is so small that he slips into a pocket, where it is very comfortable to feel him when you are not quite sure whether twice seven is twelve or twenty-two.
I really believe, or want to believe, really I am nuts, otherwise I'll never be sane.
I have always been a huge admirer of my own work. I'm one of the funniest and most entertaining writers I know.
So this was where lust was satisfied. If I'd been an old-time miner I'd have asked for my gold nugget back.
The purpose of this lectchoor is to let you know where we are. We are in the deep cack. It couldn't be worse if it was raining arseholes. Any questions?
Yesterday I was a dog. Today I'm a dog. Tomorrow I'll probably still be a dog. Sigh! There's so little hope for advancement.
One time I actually cleaned out my closet so good I ended up on the cover of Time magazine.
The trouble was that he was talking in philosophy but they were listening in gibberish.
Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent?
It was sad music. But it waved its sadness like a battle flag. It said the universe had done all it could, but you were still alive.
From time to time, you may see a girl wearing her black opaque tights as pants. They are, in fact, not.
Nobody really cares if you’re miserable, so you might as well be happy, and make the most of where you are
Dear Non-American Black, when you make the choice to come to America, you become black. Stop arguing. Stop saying I'm Jamaican or I'm Ghanaian. America doesn't care.
What's the point of being a grown-up if you don't get to be immature?
Happiness for the average person may be said to flow largely from common sense - adapting one-self to circumstances - and a sense of humor.
I had used my sense of humor; I had called it proportion, perspective. But perspective is distance.
Hearing Mass is the ceremony I most favor during my travels. Church is the only place where someone speaks to me and I do not have to answer back.
A luxury meal was prairie sandwiches - two slices of bread with wide-open spaces between them.
I like a very dry wit, not the big kind of humor like Robin Williams. I don't think I'm capable of that.
An emotional man may possess no humor, but a humorous man usually has deep pockets of emotion, sometimes tucked away or forgotten.
So I took her back to my place and we did it doggy style, not because we planned it that way, but that's just how she passed out.
I had no shoes and I pitied myself. Then I met a man who had no feet, so I took his shoes.
Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.
I'm one of the more pessimistic cats on the planet. I make Van Gogh look like a rodeo clown.
I consider myself always a humorist. And I think anybody who tells jokes or makes people laugh is humor.
People always ask me, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi.
Men are disturbed not by the things that happen, but by their opinion of the things that happen.
Up to now, America has not been a good milieu for the rise of a mass movement. What starts out here as a mass movement ends up as a racket, a cult, or a corporation.
There is nothing like a gleam of humor to reassure you that a fellow human being is ticking inside a strange face.
