The funniest people I know always seem to be the ones surrounded by darkness. And that’s probably why they’re the funniest. The deeper the pit, the more humor you need to dig yourself out of it.

While There may be power in forgiveness, there is even more power in lobbing a Molotov cocktail through someone's dining room window.

I'm embarrassed for us as a free society that we actually want people punished for saying things we don't like.

What's the name of the birth defect you have, trampled by a horse during the 2nd trimester?

Why is comedy the only form of the arts where people think they have to agree with or approve the content? You don't walk through a museum with a towel and throw it over paintings you don't like.

People are dumb and they think that laughing equals cosigning a belief in the ideology, which it doesn't.

I wish I had AIDS so I could bite somebody.

I hope you have a miscarriage on a Walmart floor and have the baby's room already decorated.

I had a three year relationship end. Ever have somebody just freak out on you in a relationship? Things are going great. After three years she wants to run out and find a guy that doesn't hit her.

Get a in clothes dryer with Magic Johnson and some razorblades.

God, I hope he dies the night before one of his kids get married.

Branding is not just about social media

It's not my business to try and make God think like me... but to try, in prayer and penitence, to think like God.

I was encouraged to read aloud in class and vocalize.

Guys play characters that won't grow up and something catastrophic happens and they have to grow up to save the day - that's pretty much what today's comedy is about.

In politics, as in life, we must above all things wish only for the attainable.

I don't like to read books. They muss up my mind.

[ Negro leaders] never let the white man know exactly what black people are thinking.

We can fall, but in the end we fall into God's hands, and God's hands are good hands.

I've never had a day job. I've been very fortunate

People talk about the prestige of beating records but prestige never bought me dinner in a restaurant. It's winning games that does that.