Put Smarties tubes on cats legs, make them walk like a robot.

Say what you want about the deaf.

The tragedy for comedians is there's nothing more they want than to be liked. We desperately seek approval. It's almost like a personality disorder you can do as a job.

My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called 'Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking'. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian.

British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, 'Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?' I said, 'All right, but we won't get much done.'

I said to my girlfriend, you shouldn't eat before you swim. She said, "why not"? I said, you look fat.

I'm not being condescending, I'm too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn't understand.

I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was 'Shout For Help'.

If only Africa had more mosquito nets then every year we could save millions of mosquitoes from dying needlessly of aids.

People with Tourettes.....What makes them tick?

Love is a strange feeling indeed, a feeling that every person must experience at least once in his or her life. A feeling that makes us feel one with God!

Satanists are encouraged to indulge in the seven deadly sins, as they need hurt no one; they were only invented by the Christian Church to insure guilt on the part of its followers.

The necessary fiddling about and moving things can be greatly facilitated by a bit of forethought.

Here's the deal. I get to marry you. You get to become a Garrett - although, considering what you're marrying into, I'm not certain that's much of an incentive." Dallas to Amy

Over the years, I have seen too many politicians ruin their careers because they could not accept defeat graciously.

It's such a thrill to perform live. You never know if you're going to get hit with a bottle or a bra.

You are not your buttocks.

I love Australia. I mean it's, how can you not? It's an incredibly beautiful country. I like the people, I like the country, I love it. I mean it's wonderful.

When the word 'nostalgia' was coined in the 18th century, it was used to describe a pathology - not so much a sense of lost time, but a severe homesickness.

Today we take it for granted that war happens in smaller, poorer and more backward countries.