Say what you want about the deaf.

The tragedy for comedians is there's nothing more they want than to be liked. We desperately seek approval. It's almost like a personality disorder you can do as a job.

My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called 'Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking'. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian.

British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, 'Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?' I said, 'All right, but we won't get much done.'

I said to my girlfriend, you shouldn't eat before you swim. She said, "why not"? I said, you look fat.

I'm not being condescending, I'm too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn't understand.

I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was 'Shout For Help'.

If only Africa had more mosquito nets then every year we could save millions of mosquitoes from dying needlessly of aids.

People with Tourettes.....What makes them tick?

My favourite road sign is 'Falling Rocks'. What exactly am I supposed to do with that information? They may as well have a sign saying "Random accidents ahead", "Life's a lottery, Be lucky."

Police officers are among the most corrupt people that I have encountered in life.

She represents something about the corporate world that repel me, some deep coldness masked as relentless cheerfulness.

Your influence as a leader will increase when you empower others' strengths, which in return equips them to pursue their callings, not their shortcomings.

If the Republicans will stop telling lies about the Democrats, we will stop telling the truth about them.

I think that we're living in a time where there are trillion-dollar opportunities that never existed before.

I don't want to send them to jail. I want to send them to school.

I can hold a note as long as the Chase National Bank.

In the television business, I don't think anyone will let you go in and pitch a show unless you use the words 'organizing principle' or 'this is the prism through which we see their lives'.

Anything is possible if you believe you deserve it.

My life is only half full When I receive. My heart is completely full Only when I give.