My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called 'Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking'. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian.

Say what you want about the deaf.

The tragedy for comedians is there's nothing more they want than to be liked. We desperately seek approval. It's almost like a personality disorder you can do as a job.

British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, 'Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?' I said, 'All right, but we won't get much done.'

I said to my girlfriend, you shouldn't eat before you swim. She said, "why not"? I said, you look fat.

I'm not being condescending, I'm too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn't understand.

I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was 'Shout For Help'.

If only Africa had more mosquito nets then every year we could save millions of mosquitoes from dying needlessly of aids.

People with Tourettes.....What makes them tick?

My favourite road sign is 'Falling Rocks'. What exactly am I supposed to do with that information? They may as well have a sign saying "Random accidents ahead", "Life's a lottery, Be lucky."

It's ever so fun and fulfilling to be clever, but more lasting and effective to be consistent.

I agree and admit that thinking and planning are free. Nobody charges you for thinking and you pay no one to make plans. It's your decision!

You change all the time. Everything changes you.

When I'm in focus mode, I do training six times a week. Carbs only in the morning. And I try not to eat at least two hours before bed.

In music the mystical element is definitely there all the time, and one can see it.

If there were a god, don't you think he would have flicked Hitler's head off?

...the only way to prove you are normal is to smash someone's face in

We know it's all just daydreaming...But sometimes, it'd be nice just to hold something real in your hands that felt like a measure of your worth.

I scream, you scream, we all scream... for the truth.

When you go out there and do the things you're supposed to do, people view you as selfish.