Jimmy Carr Quotes

I do realise that when I laugh, it sounds like a seal is being molested.

I didn't plan to be the rude middle-class comedian. You write a certain type of joke that you find funny, and mine happen to be often rude. Yes, it's juvenile, but that's me.

I was in love with the idea of being in love with a woman way before I was actually in love with one.

I don't see myself as offending people.

When someone close to you dies, move seats.

I'm obsessed with TV. How wrong our parents were when they said we should only watch an hour a day. Stop wasting your time reading books.

In Pizza Express you can get garlic bread with cheese and tomato. Now correct me if I'm wrong, but that's a pizza.

I think that comedians, more than any other type of celebrity, have to keep their humour and keep their feet on the ground. If they start taking themselves too seriously, they're heading for a fall.

I may be middle class, but I'm hard. 'Al dente', you could say.

You never want to be the grumpy guy, although I do have quite a grumpy face.

I like to write a joke without any fat on it.The shorter the better. I cater for people with ADD, basically.

As soon as I did my first five minutes of stand-up I knew that I would rather be a failure at comedy than a success in marketing.

All comedians are a bit attention-seeking and I'm no different. Anyone with the audacity to want to be listened to for an hour and a half must be.

Once I was doing a sponsored walk. In the end I managed to raise so much money, I could afford a taxi.

If we're all God's children, what's so special about Jesus?

Even if you're doing the national insurance awards, there's still that excitement when you wonder who is going to win, er, best premiums.

I pay what I have to and not a penny more.

The bigger the audience, the better with comedy.

More people are going out to comedy shows than they were before.

It had to be hammered home quite a bit because I didn't see any humour in my life at all.

It is such a social thing, laughing. Two thousand people in a room laughing is such a great buzz and they tend to laugh much more in a group.

After a gig I always head back to the hotel, remembering granny's words of wisdom. I cancel the late-night pizza and watch the Jonathan Ross show instead.

I don't think young people should have bottoms, they're too young for that sort of thing.

Jokes spread around the world and embed themselves in our shared culture; the most resonant of them get lodged in the language in the same way as clichés or old wives' tales do.

A surprising amount of my jokes sound very implausible but are true.

There's things that I couldn't joke about but other people could.

I go around the country and do a simple gag like, 'The property ladder is now a snake' and get a real laugh.

I worry about my nan. If she's alone and falls, does she make a noise? I'm joking, she's dead.

Yes, I have this crazy honk of a laugh.