I think they got it wrong with Saddam Hussein. They thought he had the A-Bomb. Instead he had a bomb.

Say what you want about the deaf.

The tragedy for comedians is there's nothing more they want than to be liked. We desperately seek approval. It's almost like a personality disorder you can do as a job.

My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called 'Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking'. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian.

British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, 'Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?' I said, 'All right, but we won't get much done.'

I said to my girlfriend, you shouldn't eat before you swim. She said, "why not"? I said, you look fat.

I'm not being condescending, I'm too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn't understand.

I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was 'Shout For Help'.

If only Africa had more mosquito nets then every year we could save millions of mosquitoes from dying needlessly of aids.

People with Tourettes.....What makes them tick?

Happiness thinks only of itself.

The Essence Of Success Is Leading Your Business & Life From The Heart

Nothing prevents happiness like the memory of happiness.

Gut health is the key to overall health.

What I like best is the competition itself.

Our exile organizations have been our way of replacing the cities and villages we have lost.

I was able to overcome this because of the fans who waited for me. I promise not to disappoint you anymore.

If some people think, "Why am I eating a dead bird soaked in poop?" I think if some people get disgusted by that, it's all to the good. Their coronary arteries will be healthier.

I wish my readers took less of my time - about a third of my working time goes to them - but I love and need them all.

Kick-start your brain. New ideas come from watching something, talking to people, experimenting, asking questions and getting out of the office!