Let's face it, the gene pool needs a little chlorine.

Say what you want about the deaf.

The tragedy for comedians is there's nothing more they want than to be liked. We desperately seek approval. It's almost like a personality disorder you can do as a job.

My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called 'Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking'. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian.

British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, 'Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?' I said, 'All right, but we won't get much done.'

I said to my girlfriend, you shouldn't eat before you swim. She said, "why not"? I said, you look fat.

I'm not being condescending, I'm too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn't understand.

I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was 'Shout For Help'.

If only Africa had more mosquito nets then every year we could save millions of mosquitoes from dying needlessly of aids.

People with Tourettes.....What makes them tick?

Everything you could ever wish for is just in reach. Work hard and never be afraid to ask for something.

It ought to be an offense to be excruciating and unfunny in circumstances where your audience is almost morally obliged to enthuse.

Often, we try to tell God what we want Him to do—but ask Him to help you guard against this, and to seek His will instead of your own. Pray and ask God to guide you.

Everyone suffers at least one bad betrayal in their lifetime. It’s what unites us. The trick is not to let it destroy your trust in others when that happens. Don’t let them take that from you.

I won't say ours was a tough school but we had our own coroner. We used to write essays like "What I'm Going to Be if I Grow Up."

People want me to be funny all the time. They think I'm being funny no matter what I say or do and that's not the case.

As long as the cheques carry on coming in, and I'm enjoying my work, I shall continue acting.

Moses simplifies the whole duty of Israel (and of humanity) by crystalizing the moral law into a single command to love God supremely.

Life is a means of extracting fiction.

I would not want to live in a country that would have me as a leader in any sort of political bent.