Humorous Quotes

The Army needs leaders the way a foot needs a big toe.

Today's parents grew up with the silly notion that music was meant to be heard.

That fellow seems to me to possess but one idea, and that is a wrong one.

He has denied what has happened. His sworn statements have denied what has happened.

In addition I had real and serious questions about an independent counsel investigation that began with private business dealings twenty years ago

Nearly everyone will lie to you, given the right circumstances.

We need time to relax and enjoy ourselves too, no matter how dark the story. The occasional humorous moment helps with that. That's one of the things that Joss Whedon excels at in his storytelling.

And the only people I fear are those who never have doubts... Save us all from arrogant men, and all the causes they're for.

I was also very concerned about protecting my family.

She needed help, but God was in a meeting whenever she rang.

I misled people, including even my wife.

I don't want to pick a team. I want to make people laugh and hopefully bring some - be humorous about the human experience, you know, whether they're people of any stripes of life.

England is a very popular foreign country to visit because the people there speak some English.

You wonder if God doesn't have an answering machine to screen out the prayers of the venal and the boring? And in which category has he placed you?

The American success formula is first to get a home of your own, then to get a car of your own so you don't have to stay in that home of your own.

I guess the more serious you play something, if the context is funny, then it will be funny and it doesn't really require you to be necessarily, explicitly humorous, or silly.

It is time to stop personal destruction and prying into private lives

The good or ill hap of a good or ill life, is the good or ill choice of a good or ill wife.

I wish I was a phone machine. I wish if I saw somebody on the street I didn't want to talk to I could just go, "Excuse me, I'm not here right now, If you just leave a message, I can walk away."

The President's very shrewd

We old roosters must be cautious. Don't try to outwit your arteries.

We had a very successful trip to Russia. We made it back.

The service at the Imperial (Tokyo) is the finest I've encountered anywhere. There was a button next to my bed marked ROOM SERVICE - and a maid to press it for me.

The persons hardest to convince that they're at the retirement age are children at bedtime.

He hadn’t a single redeeming vice.

There are many talented English personalities, but unfortunately they were all in Hollywood.

Please don't get me wrong here. I'm not making fun of old people. In fact I think that's the goal of everybody here tonite. We all want to be an old person someday.

All British castles and old country homes are supposed to be haunted. It's in the lease.

All of us knew he was a snake when we voted for him

I've been playing golf a long time, although it's not really true that on my first round they strapped my bag on the back of a dinosaur.

Go to humorous events at comedy clubs and watch laughable movies.

I love the protest signs protected by the First Amendment - some of them humorous, some of them passionate, some factual, some entirely incorrect - all of them free ideas.

They mention that it's a nonstop flight. Well, I must say I don't care for that sort of thing. Call me old fashioned, but I insist that my flight stop. Preferably at an airport.

Swearing relieves the feelings - that is what swearing does. I explained this to my aunt on one occasion, but it didn't answer with her. She said I had no business to have such feelings.

I don't think the Republicans can damage my character

The help (in Japan) is very polite. They bow so much, you don't know which end to talk to.

It (Lewinskygate) has...compromised his moral authority

The proverbial Englishman, we know from old chronicler Froissart, takes his pleasures sadly, and the Englishwoman goes a step further and takes her pleasures in sadness itself.

She spoke perfect English, which led to considerable trouble. She couldn't understand us at all.

I love sharing my stories and experiences with people and connecting to them on both a humorous and emotional level.

None of us kids had a middle name. We were lucky we had any name at all. By the time my mother got around to naming one, there was another on the way.

Mr. Starr, have you no shame? Facts and law are always subordinated to the will of the American people.

"despair all ye mortals," he said in a voice of doom. "the mama approacheth"

By the time he was done with the deer it had been dark three hours and his bad leg was singing 'Ave Maria'.

Everyone has a plan until they get punched in the face.

A man who carries a cat by the tail learns a lesson he can learn in no other way.

I refuse to give readers an uplifting faux experience engineered to comfort them and perpetuate the sociopolitical and economic status quo.""Who died and made you Bertolt Brecht?

Well, " he said. "I hope to God I never make forty -- I wouldn't know what to do with myself.

They have been eating muffins. That looks like repentance.

There was a time when the one singular thing that held a marriage together was the threat of getting the kids.