Humorous Quotes

When the Attorney-General ceased, a buzz arose in the court as if a cloud of great blue-flies were swarming about the prisoner, in anticipation of what he was soon to become.

I'm a devil at a quick mistake, and when I make one it takes the form of Lead.

...and who must have had something real about her, or she could not have existed, but it certainly was not her hair, or her teeth, or her figure, or her complexion.

I refuse to give readers an uplifting faux experience engineered to comfort them and perpetuate the sociopolitical and economic status quo.""Who died and made you Bertolt Brecht?

Put down that bottle and pickup an Oreo instead...you"ll live longer! #JustSaying

The humorous story is American, the comic story is English, the witty story is French.

For the hackneyed art of lying without injury to anyone, Rushbrook, to his shame, was proficient.

You don't seem to realise, that in married life three is company and two is none.

I wanted to become an atheist but I gave it up. They have no holidays.

You want to make God laugh? Tell him your future plans.

Sane people did what their neighbours did, so that if any lunatics were at large, one might know and avoid them.

It's better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than open it and remove all doubt

A reputation for money is almost as negotiable as money itself.

I hope I know my own unworthiness, and that I hate and despise myself and all my fellow-creatures as every practicable Christian should.

Men always want to be a woman’s first love. That is their clumsy vanity. We women have a more subtle instinct about these things. What (women) like is to be a man’s last romance.

Men have a much better time of it than women. For one thing they marry later. For another thing they die earlier.

If you always do what interests you, at least one person is pleased".

I persuaded him to throw the dirk away and it was as easy as persuading a child to give up some bright fresh new way of killing itself.

People who leave their drugs in a bathroom the guests use are just asking for trouble.

I believe you to be strictly honorable.'He thoughtfully emptied his cup. 'I wish I could add you were intelligent, ' he went on, knocking on his head with his knuckles.

Where would Jesus be if no one ever wrote the gospels?

You’ve got to give the door something?’‘Yes, ’ said Dumbledore. ‘Blood, if I am not much mistak

There was a time when the one singular thing that held a marriage together was the threat of getting the kids.

Learn more and Know more.

you're entirly bonkers but I'll tell you a secret all the best people are

By the time he was done with the deer it had been dark three hours and his bad leg was singing 'Ave Maria'.

A man who carries a cat by the tail learns a lesson he can learn in no other way.

Love a girl trulyExpectation: MarriageReality : Friendzoned

Play and be happy.

I engage in subtle stalking. That's entirely different and perfectly socially acceptable.

He's so dumb he couldn't find his way out of a birth canal.

If you're committed, that just means you're in agreement your undertaking could be your ticket to the asylum.

Everyone lies. Or they have amnesia.

Fiction is but a moment of bliss that takes the pain away...Like a cookie for the soul...

Listen carefully, I’m going to say three words.”“I love you?

I love you like a big fish

Men did stupid things when they got romantic ideas in their heads.

No, I don't go to that restaurant anymore. No body goes there. It's too crowded.

Wisdom of the Ages: "President's Day" One allowed the Federal Reserve and one got lead. One got a city and the other got dead.

Wisdom of the Ages "Unsuccessful Town Slogans" Sequim (WA)- "We put the Dung in Dungeness.

Wisdom of the Ages: "Government" Like a mafia protection racket-without the protection.

Wisdom of the Ages: "Unsuccessful pick-up lines" 'My parole ends today, let's celebrate!

Wisdom of the Ages: "Valentine's Day" Because she never forgets, especially if you do.

I like to go to Starbucks and watch the intellectuals. I observe them and their intellectualness. They in turn observe me drinking coffee and being a creeper.

I have come to see the nonsense of trying to describe fine scenery.

Riding in a carriage without an escort is modern. But traveling out and about unescorted is unheard of.

Wisdom of the Ages: "Hillary" Has replaced the term "battle-axe" to describe an undesirable mother-in-law in 37 languages.

Jenna can't hear us, she's blind

I wish I had an imaginary friend.

Wisdom of the Ages: "Soylent Green" No matter how many times I see that movie, I still get a hankerin' for a Big Mac.