Humorous Quotes

Archbishop - A Christian ecclesiastic of a rank superior to that attained by Christ.

I decided to stop drinking with creeps. I decided to drink only with friends. I've lost 30 pounds.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

The great themes of Canadian history are as follows: Keeping the Americans out, keeping the French in, and trying to get the Natives to somehow disappear.

An egotist is a person of low taste - more interested in himself than in me.

What is a democrat? One who believes that the republicans have ruined the country. What is a republican? One who believes that the democrats would ruin the country.

Okay everybody, line up in alphabetical order according to your height.

If I cannot smoke in heaven, then I shall not go.

An emotional man may possess no humor, but a humorous man usually has deep pockets of emotion, sometimes tucked away or forgotten.

I am not an economist. I am an honest man!

Moscow has changed. I was here in 1982, during the Brezhnev twilight, and things are better now. For instance, they've got litter. In 1982 there was nothing to litter with.

I love the very exposed, humorous, imperfect, never-trying to-pretend-to-be-perfect journey that I have been on in my life.

In the long run, every program becomes rococo, and then rubble.

Is life worth living? It all depends on the liver.

Being seventy has its advantages. I was outspoken before, but now what have I got to keep quiet about?

In Moscow they do not pay much attention to the living but keep their cemeteries in a splendid state.

San Francisco isn't what it used to be, and it never was.

The thing I miss about Air Force One is they don't lose my luggage.

The difference between a Republican and a Democrat is that the Democrat is a cannibal, they live off each other, while the Republicans live off the Democrats.

When he got loaded, the human cannonball knew there were not many men of his caliber.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

Who made the world I cannot tell; 'Tis made, and here am I in hell. My hand, though now my knuckles bleed, I never soiled with such a deed.

Anything too stupid to be said is sung.

My mother was the making of me.

Nothing helps scenery like bacon and eggs.

Good Americans, when they die, go to Paris.

Confidence is ignorance. If you're feeling cocky, it's because there's something you don't know.

What medicines do not heal, the lance will; what the lance does not heal, fire will.

Bad artists always admire each others work.

Grandparenthood is one of life's rewards for surviving your own children.

In Wilson's scale of evaluations breakfast rated just after life itself and ahead of the chance of immortality.

There are times when I am so unlike myself that I might be taken for someone else of an entirely opposite character.

‎I have panicked unnecessarily in all four corners of the globe.

But I'm really enjoying my retirement. I get to sleep in every day. I do crossword puzzles and eat cake.

Never call anyone a baboon unless you are sure of your facts.

I am so busy doing nothing... that the idea of doing anything - which as you know, always leads to something - cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything.

Otis barreled towards them empty-handed, before apparently realizing that a) he was empty-handed and b) charging towards a large body of water to fight a son of Poseidon was maybe not a good idea.

I mingle with my peers or no one, and since I have no peers, I mingle with no one.

My wife converted me to religion. I never believed in hell until I married her.

Vikings don't have faults, they have clubs.

Steampunk is nothing more than what happens when Goths discover brown.

The funniest things are the forbidden.

The longer I am out of office, the more infallible I appear to myself.

When we got off the streetcar at Times Square, it was somewhat of a letdown. Newspapers were blowing about the road and pavement, and Broadway looked seedy, like a slovenly woman just out of bed.

Men like cars, women like clothes. Women only like cars because they take them to clothes.

There is a great deal of advertising that is much better than the product. When that happens, all that the good advertising will do is put you out of business faster.

Golf's really fun in Japan because of the women caddies. ... I saw one guy start out playing alone with his caddie. By the 9th hole they were engaged and when they finished on 18 they had a foursome.

The worse you are at thinking, the better you are at drinking.

America is not only big and rich, it is mysterious; and its capacity for the humorous or ironical concealment of its interests matches that of the legendary inscrutable Chinese.

Whenever anyone says, 'theoretically', they really mean, 'not really'.