Humorous Quotes

There's a limit to how many times you can read how great you are and what an inspiration you are, but I'm not there yet.

She's so in love with me, she doesn't know anything. That's why she's in love with me.

"I have seen those symptoms before," said Holmes, throwing his cigarette into the fire. "Oscillation upon the pavement always means an affaire de coeur."

Most people I ask little from. I try to give them much, and expect nothing in return and I do very well in the bargain.

Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles.

Do you mind if I don't smoke?

The slime that accumulates on the underside of a soap bar when it sits in the dish too long.

I made myself platinum, but I was born a dirty blonde.

People are wrong when they say opera is not what it used to be. It is what it used to be. That is what's wrong with it.

Free speech isn't dead in Germany and Italy, merely the speakers.

In the doggie dictionary, under "bow wow" it says, "See "arf arf.""

As I may or may not say to the Lord on Judgment Day, "You ask a lot of questions for someone who has so much explaining to do"

Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success.

Some people put us down. But I still haven't heard of any Americans trying to swim across the border into Mexico!

I think it would be a good idea.

Character is what you are in the dark.

It's just as unpleasant to get more than you bargain for as to get less.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Sometimes those who need it the most are inclined the least.

A massage is just like a movie, really relaxing and a total escape, except in a massage you're the star. And you don't miss anything by falling asleep!

So that's the telephone? They ring, and you run.

The better organized the state, the duller its humanity.

What do you take me for, an idiot?

Archbishop - A Christian ecclesiastic of a rank superior to that attained by Christ.

France in August when you can travel through the entire country without encountering a single pesky Frenchman or being bothered with anything that's open for business.

Somebody should tell Jerry Falwell that God is an Independent . . . he's not rich enough to be a Republican.

Some people are born mediocre, some people achieve mediocrity, and some people have mediocrity thrust upon them.

If you don't know what to do with many of the papers piled on your desk, stick a dozen colleagues initials on them and pass them along. When in doubt, route.

In my experience, if you go to a hospital for any reason whatsoever, including to read the gas meter, they give you a tetanus shot.

Indeed, I did have a relationship with Miss Lewinsky that was not appropriate. In fact, it was wrong.

Gimme a pigfoot and a bottle of beer.

Just because you're old that doesn't mean you're more forgetful. The same people whose names I can't remember now I couldn't remember fifty years ago. . .

I've been things and seen places.

Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.

I am pushing sixty. That is enough exercise for me.

I'm a Christian-libertarian-environmentalist-capitalist-lunatic. It's a humorous way for me to describe that I'm not stereotypical.

Sailboats are the slowest form of transportation on Earth with the possible exeption of airline flights that go through O'Hare.

If you'd lose a troublesome visitor, lend him money.

The first thing that strikes a visitor to Paris is a taxi.

Many complain of their memory, few of their judgment.

I don't have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights.

I like the word "indolence." It makes my laziness seem classy.

Mr.Blank's reputation as a card shark had preceded him. No one accused him of being dishonest, but on the other hand no one accused him of being honest.

But when I don't smoke I scarcely feel as if I'm living. I don't feel as if I'm living unless I'm killing myself.

All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power.

I can see the humorous side of things and enjoy the fun when it comes; but look where I will, there seems to me always more sadness than joy in life.

Criticism is prejudice made plausible.

Let us swear while we may, for in heaven it will not be allowed

The brussels sprout. This is also the worst vegetable of next year.

It (the double-clarinet in India) was primarily used for snake charming, since the snake would do almost anything to get the Indians to stop playing it.