Humorous Quotes

Whenever anyone says, 'theoretically', they really mean, 'not really'.

Whatever is not nailed down is mine. What I can pry loose is not nailed down.

I tried to think but nothing happened!

The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence.

There is no income tax in Russia. But there's no income.

The Opera is obviously the first draft of a fine spectacle; it suggests the idea of one.

Nirvana is not the blowing out of the candle. It is the extinguishing of the flame because day is come.

It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

It's a wonderful way to live, and not a bad way to go, either. The average Frenchman is still smiling three months after he's dead.

If you are ever in doubt as to whether to kiss a pretty girl, always give her the benefit of the doubt.

The biggest liar in the world is the golfer who claims he plays the game for exercise.

Comedy is to force us to observe ourselves in ways that are humorous and yet, at the end of the day, that cause us enough discomfort with the status quo to make a change.

England occupies a warm spot in my affections. It was the scene of my greatest performance. I was born there.

Golf's really fun in Japan because of the women caddies. ... I saw one guy start out playing alone with his caddie. By the 9th hole they were engaged and when they finished on 18 they had a foursome.

There is a great deal of advertising that is much better than the product. When that happens, all that the good advertising will do is put you out of business faster.

Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.

One picture is worth 1,000 denials.

I'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.

I don't want to have a bad influence on anybody, but there's no point in my giving up cigarettes now. I won't die young.

Because of its vitality, the computing field is always in desperate need of new cliches: Banality soothes our nerves.

If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.

I would like to be able to admire a man's opinions as I would his dog - without being expected to take it home with me.

In closing, the greatest threat to peace on this earth is the arrogance of a super-power [America] that is out of control.

A jury too often has at least one member more ready to hang the panel than to hang the traitor.

The principal purpose of the Democratic Party is to use the force of government to take property away from the people who earn it and give it to people who do not.

If for some reason you are unsure where to go, all you have to do is stand there looking lost, and within seconds a helpful New Yorker will approach to see if you have any "spare" change.

The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents.

There is nothing the matter with Americans except their ideals. The real American is all right; it is the ideal American who is all wrong.

An Englishman never enjoys himself, except for a noble purpose.

There is absolutely nothing humorous at the Masters. Here, small dogs do not bark and babies do not cry.

Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel.

A doctor's reputation is made by the number of eminent men who die under his care.

I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30.

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?'

If a thing isn't worth saying, you sing it.

Keep your tax-cutting, greedy hands off our medicare

Now is the time for all good men to come to.

I was always treated as if I had insisted on being born, in opposition to the dictates of reason, religion, and morality, and against the dissuadinig arguments of my best friends.

We're wanted men, we'll strike again, but first let's have a beer.

I married a German. Every night I dress up as Poland and he invades me.

The last time anybody made a list of the top hundred character attributes of New Yorkers, common sense snuck in at number 79.

He soon acquired the forlorn look that one sees in vegetarians.

I know something you do not know. I am not left-handed either.

Holidays were invented so single women could overeat without feeling guilty.

Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.

Manage by responsibility.It is a powerful way to grow people.

There is a vast difference between the savage and the civilized man, but it is never apparent to their wives until after breakfast.

One son appears in stereo - a transistor in one ear and the phone in the other.

I think it would be totally inappropriate for me to even contemplate what I am thinking about.

I could have become a soldier if I had waited; I knew more about retreating than the man who invented retreating.