Went to the paper shop - it had blown away.

Last night I dreamt I ate a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up the pillow was gone.

I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'

I went window shopping today! I bought four windows.

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.

I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died."

'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home. 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.'

I've been on the whisky diet - I've already lost three days!

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

Thought, if I may put it, is the man behind the possession, appearance, things we like, things we hate and the very epitome of life.

So, what did you learn?Curiosity asked the Cat, thenpoked her carcass with a stick.

Jealousy is an awkward homage which inferiority renders to merit.

I never like things that don't look nice. It's really that simple.

A lot of artists that I've met let me know they're huge fans of mine.

The most important issue of the 21st century will be the condition of the global environment.

It's fun to pretend you're a little kid, you get to use your imagination and live in a world that's not real.

Midlife is not the time to disenchant ourselves. It's a time to turn on all our magic in full force.

What was particularly impressive by the [Donald] Trump campaign at the time is how they were so organized around the WikiLeaks stuff.

I know my heart will never be the same But I'm telling myself I'll be okay