Hilarious Quotes

A genius is one who can do anything except make a living.

Inside me there's a thin person struggling to get out, but I can usually sedate him with four or five cupcakes.

It was like hiking into a Hemingway story; everything was sepia-toned and bristling with subtext.

On one issue, at least, men and women agree. They both distrust women.

Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.

There's something people find hilarious about dogs surfing and dancing and talking in the movies. I think it's nice for people - I think it's wish fulfillment - to see animals talking.

The prettiest dresses are worn to be taken off.

First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.

They misunderestimated me.

Confidence is 10 percent hard work and 90 percent delusion.

The only thing that stops God from sending another flood is that the first one was useless.

If I was president of the good old U.S.A., I'd turn the churches into strip clubs and watch the whole world pray.

After a long day at work, I want someone to come home, turn on my video and think, "Oh my god, how girls get ready? This is hilarious, I love this, I'm forgetting about all my problems."

Men are simpler than you imagine my sweet child. But what goes on in the twisted, tortuous minds of women would baffle anyone.

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and say to myself "well, that's not going to happen

People all over the world recognize me as a spiritual leader.

I thought 'Pineapple Express' was hilarious.

Money can't buy you happiness but it can pay for the plastic surgery.

A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Did you ever think that making a speech on economy is a lot like pissing down your leg? It seems hot to you, but it never does to anyone else.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father ... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could ... but he pulled through.

At every party there are two kinds of people - those who want to go home and those who don't. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.

English? Who needs that? I'm never going to England.

If you retain nothing else, always remember the most important Rule of Beauty. “Who cares?”

Just go up to somebody on the street and say 'You're it!' and then run away.

There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works.

I want to focus on my salad.

All pretty girls are a trap, a pretty trap, and men expect them to be.

I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint... it was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.

Mutations are exciting. They try to fix 'em when they come out. Did you see the two-headed baby they killed last month when they tried to cut it apart? That was hilarious!

They've finally come up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer.

Make all your decisions based on how hilarious it would be if you did it.

The remarkable thing about Shakespeare is that he really is very good, in spite of all the people who say he is very good.

I don't have any solution, but I certainly admire the problem.

What ought to be done to the man who invented the celebrating of anniversaries? Mere killing would be too light.

I'd probably be better in an action role and even a more comedic role as I find myself pretty hilarious.

When children are doing nothing, they are doing mischief.

My husband wanted one of those big-screen TVs for his birthday. So I just moved his chair closer to the one we have already.

How do you feel about women's rights? I like either side of them.

I once worked with Emma Thompsons mother, Phyllida Law. I worked with her on a BBC drama, and she was hilarious. I loved her so much, and she was great to work with.

It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawn mower, snowblower and vacuum cleaner.

The best time to give advice to your children is while they're still young enough to believe you know what you're talking about.

When will I learn? The answers to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle. They're on TV!

The trouble with children is that they're not returnable.

There is only one immutable law in life - in a gentleman's toilet, incoming traffic has the right of way.

I like comedy but I guess I don't think [my art] is that funny, either. It's too dark and a bit weird in places to be genuinely, uniformly hilarious and function as comedy.

The very purpose of existence is to reconcile the glowing opinion we hold of ourselves with the appalling things that other people think about us.

But I think frustration is hilarious. One of my missions is to bring humor into fine art. It's sacred.