Money can't buy you happiness but it can pay for the plastic surgery.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

Self-struggle is spiritual. It is only by grace, the divine-self manifest.

As long as you're still walking with the demons of hell! You'll never have the time to slow down to see the angels of heaven behind you.

Healthy surrender means allowing yourself to "be" rather than being in a constant state of want.

How well it was said, " answered the fisherman, "that swords can be kept off with shields but the Eye of Wisdom pierces through every defense!

I have sinned against You, my Lord, and I would ask that your precious blood would wash and cleanse every stain until it is in the seas of God's forgiveness.

I started off as an actor thinking that I would be this Romeo, this dashing leading man. It turns out that I'm a character actor.

Surely the greatest social injustice is that 2 billion people haven't heard of God's love in Christ.

Yoga does things with the human body that defy the imagination.

"Ganas is all you need."

Thou wilt always rejoice in the evening, if thou spend the day profitably.