Wendy Liebman Quotes

I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.

I go running when I have to. When the ice cream truck is doing sixty.

My husband wanted one of those big-screen TVs for his birthday. So I just moved his chair closer to the one we have already.

My mother always said don't marry for money, divorce for money.

Is there a doctor in the house? My parents want me to marry you.

I just got my first bikini. It's a three-piece: a top, a botton, and a blindfold for you.

I went to the 30th reunion of my preschool. I didn't want to go, because I've put on like a hundred pounds.

I found out why cats drink out of the toilet. My mother told me it's because the water is cold in there. And I'm like: How did my mother know that?

My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.

I don't think I was funny until college. I lived with some Harvard MD/PhD students - they were so smart, and what I contributed to the house was, I was the funny one.

In addition to comedy, I'm a writer. I write checks. They're not very good.

I get my sense of humor from my parents. That's why they don't have one anymore.

I'm going to get married again because I'm more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.

I don't like to channel surf. You guys like it, don't you. You guys like to change the channel. We like to change you.

I'm a writer. I write checks. They're not very good.

I found out why cats drink out of the toilet. My mother told me it's because it's cold in there. And I'm like: How did my mother know that?

I'm a writer. I write checks. Mostly fiction.