Milton Berle Quotes

If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door

If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.

If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?

My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.

Laughter is an instant vacation.

Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.

The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.

Laughter is the best medicine in the world.

Marriage is one of the few institutions that allow a man to do as his wife pleases.

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don't try to run her life, and I don't try to run mine.

Committee - a group of men who keep minutes and waste hours.

Valentine's Day is the day when you remember that Cupid was a lousy shot.

Folk who don't know why America is the Land of Promise should be here during an election campaign.

They've got plastic Christmas trees now. They're hard to tell from the real aluminum ones.

My wife sent me a Valentine card that said, "Take my heart, take my lips, take my soul." That's just like her. She kept the good parts for herself.

Why are we honoring this man? Have we run out of human beings?

We owe a lot to Thomas Edison - if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight.

A young man fills out an application for a job and does well until he gets to the last question, "Who Should we notify in case of an accident?" He mulls it over and then writes, "Anybody in sight!"

You're aging when your actions creak louder than your words.

Los Angeles is the home of the three little white lies: "The Ferrari is paid for," "The mortgage is assumable," and "It's just a cold sore!

Do you realise that Eve was the only woman who ever took a man's side?

Santa is having a tough time this year. Last year he deducted eight billion for gifts, and the IRS wants an itemized list

It's rough to go through life with your contents looking as if they settled during shipping.

A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.

You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.

A man falls down a flight of stairs and somebody rushes over to him and asks, Did you miss a step? No, he answers, I hit every one of them!

I live to laugh, and I laugh to live.

They've finally come up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer.

A thing of beauty is a job forever.

The company accountant is shy and retiring. He's shy a quarter of a million dollars. That's why he's retiring.

The Post Office is very careful nowadays. When they get a package marked "Fragile," they throw it underhand.

Just remember, golf is flog spelled backwards.

All my wife wanted for Valentine's Day was a little card - American Express.

She wanted an Italian sports car - with the sport still in it.

For every studen with a spark of brilliance, there are about ten with ignition trouble.

When I was in school, one of my teachers was crazy about me. I once heard her tell another teacher, "I wish he was my kid for one day!"

Talk about cheap - on Christmas Eve, my neighbour shoots off three blanks and tells his kids Santa Claus just committed suicide.

Valentine's Day - a nice holiday because it's the first day of the rest of your wife.

Most attorneys practice law because it gives them a grand and glorious feeling. You give them a grand - and they feel glorious.

I really doubt whether evolution ever works, how then come Mothers have only two hands

One of those Christmas songs says, "You better not shout, you better not cry, you better not pout." How's my wife going to get along?

Some kids want to know why the teachers get paid when it's the kids who have to do all the work.

I bought my mother-in-law a beautiful chair for Christmas, but she won't let me plug it in.

It's always consoling to know that today's Christmas gifts are tomorrow's garage sales.

I made a terrible mistake last Christmas. My wife made me swear that I wouldn't give her a fancy gift. And I didn't.

Money can't buy you happiness. It just helps you look for it in more places.

Radio... that wonderful invention by which I can reach millions of people... who fortunately can't reach me.

My wife can't figure out what to buy me. What do you give a man who's had everything up to here?

This man's wife told him, "For Christmas, surprise me." On Christmas Eve he leaned over where she was sleeping and said, "Boo!"