Why is comedy the only form of the arts where people think they have to agree with or approve the content? You don't walk through a museum with a towel and throw it over paintings you don't like.

While There may be power in forgiveness, there is even more power in lobbing a Molotov cocktail through someone's dining room window.

The funniest people I know always seem to be the ones surrounded by darkness. And that’s probably why they’re the funniest. The deeper the pit, the more humor you need to dig yourself out of it.

I'm embarrassed for us as a free society that we actually want people punished for saying things we don't like.

What's the name of the birth defect you have, trampled by a horse during the 2nd trimester?

People are dumb and they think that laughing equals cosigning a belief in the ideology, which it doesn't.

I wish I had AIDS so I could bite somebody.

I hope you have a miscarriage on a Walmart floor and have the baby's room already decorated.

I had a three year relationship end. Ever have somebody just freak out on you in a relationship? Things are going great. After three years she wants to run out and find a guy that doesn't hit her.

Get a in clothes dryer with Magic Johnson and some razorblades.

God, I hope he dies the night before one of his kids get married.

Nicole had put on weight. This is the effect which, in three cases out of four, unhappiness has upon women. The process of eating guarantees at least the health of the body.

His was not a small mind bothered by logic and consistency.

The judge said I was a menace to society because I had put crime on a scientific basis.

I glory in this world of men and women, torn with troubles, yet living on to love and laugh through it all.

When to arrive at the airport?: You should be at the airport already.

The female perspective is what I relate to and I understand it. I find it fascinating. I like to see women in challenging situations and see how they deal with it or don't deal with it.

We are to admit no more causes of natural things than such as are both true and sufficient to explain their appearances.

As a wise man once said, 'If not us, then who; if not now, then when?'

Low pay generally means harder work under worse conditions.

If there is a God, there is a map. If God has a map, his map is the true map.